The Pits of Hell
by Bensons-Stabler
Summary: “Liv, isn’t dead.” He stated evenly to the crowd in front of him. He stepped down off of the platform and slowly descended the stairs. . “Guys you have to listen to me. Liv isn’t dead I know it.. A loud explosion rocked the church. .READ ME and REVIEW!
1. Watching

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters they belong to Dick Wolf**

**Authors Note: I have taken an old story, rewritten, and revised it. My first attempt did not flow the way I wanted it to. I hope you like it! Suggestions and critiques are welcomed!**

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When did my life get so messed up and complicated? I just gave birth to my fifth child, my second son, and all I can think or feel is that I am slowly losing what I have spent and invested more than 20 years of my life and heart in. It's funny what life throws at you just when you think you can't take anymore. Now I just have the emptiness that has raged through my veins along with the knowledge that my heart couldn't break any more and my will has fallen into so many pieces that even if I can move past this, will take me years to get back.

Why haven't I ever seen it before? All the little looks and the famous conversations they have with their eyes and the silent understanding that flows between them all add up in a new way now. The easy sense of camaraderie they share that makes them one of the most successful teams on the New York police force and also makes them the envy of their department. I wonder if he knows that he loves her, it is the clearest emotion in his eyes every time he speaks of her. Looking through the window of the room I was placed in those few hours ago when I was brought in after the wreck that almost ended in tragedy, I watch the hustle and bustle of the hospital keep moving like a well-oiled machine. Looking in the general direction I saw my husband go earlier, I see them and my breathing halts abruptly. I look down at my newborn son who is sleeping so soundly in my arms I wonder how in the world it came to this. All of my worst fears are coming true. I wonder when this started. I always knew he was attracted to her. His gruff antagonisms toward her over the past years have taught me little else. I wonder if he even knows just how deep rooted those feelings toward her are or if he even realizes that they are there or better yet if he realizes the true reason for them.

Across the hall, I see her; she is standing so rigid and awkward in my husbands' arms. In this moment I know, I am certain in a way I have not been in almost 9 years that this is a first for them. Even through walls, windows, and the numerous people between me and the scene outside of my room, I can feel the raw emotion and intensity as clearly, as if I were standing next to them. I should look away I know, this moment is private for them but I can't drag my eyes away. Dammit I am his wife, that should be me, but it isn't. Clutching Eli close to my chest I pray that he keeps me grounded. I almost feel ashamed as I watch the mouth that has become so familiar over the years open and close. His expression makes my heart break. It is so tormented and yet it is so pure. I can't look away any more than I could seconds ago as I watch him open and close his mouth again almost as if his voice is failing him or his mind one. My tears are falling freely as I observe the helpless shudder run the length of his powerful frame. "You're ok" he mouths and before my very eyes I watch her arms come up and around his waist as if of their own violation to return his embrace.

The emotions I see playing across his face at this very second are ones that I thought were long dead in the man I married. I wonder if her face shows the same shattering emotions as Elliot's does? Physical pain overcomes me in waves. Oh God I can't catch my breath. Why can't he just look at me that way? Where did we go so wrong? Over 20 years of my life has centered around that man and our life together, our home, and the children we share. Eli stirs in my arms and even though I feel my life starting to crumble further than it has in the past two years, I know that taking my children and not looking back will never be as hard as what lies ahead of me. I wonder if I can live with this? Can I truly and honestly live with a man who loves someone else and know that he can never reach that depth of emotion with me? Can I pack up the shambles of our lives again and leave, taking our children with me? My heart constricts at the thought because while I know he loves her I know his love for his children comes first. Our separation was hard on them. Maureen and Kathleen took it the hardest and hated him for a while. Dickie and Lizzie worship him and even though they didn't understand what was happening around them, they sure tried to make sense of it. No, no matter his failings, he loves his children as fiercely as I do. Watching him now though I can see something else lying beneath the surface of the sweet simplicity of this embrace.

God knows that I have tried to hate her. I have worked for years to hate her but I can't seem to muster the energy to force it today, not after what she has done for me and the small newborn in my arms. The intense emerald green of insane jealousy has blinded me where Detective Olivia Benson was concerned since the day he came home full of hot air and told me about his new hot shot partner with a bad attitude and a gun. She irritated him he said, but deep inside I think I always saw my form of the truth. His antagonism for her was always a cover for something else which I don't think he ever saw. If I were very honest with myself, it is probably the real reason I have always ranted, raved, and yelled until I was blue in the face trying to get him to leave Special Victims at the one-six and transfer back to Queens. It was because of the fear of losing him that I fought so hard and partly so I could spare myself the pain of seeing the scene right across the hall at this moment.

Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I know that they have never crossed that imaginary line between partners and something more. Knowing it does not seem to be helping the emotions running rampant through me right now though. The bond they share is so strong that it is almost tangible. She gets to share a part of his life that I can never touch or understand.

Forcing my attention back to the tiny life in my arms I reach over and turn on the radio. The strains of the melody coming through the speakers are ones thast I know very well. Snuggling Eli even closer, I softly start singing the song while I press tiny kisses to his forehead. It is truly amazing, this sweeping and overwhelming feeling of a mother's love as she shelters the small life she brought into the world.

_I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow_

_And each road leads you where you want to go,_

_And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you._

_And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window_

_If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,_

My mind is still running circles around my tired body and heart. Can I compete with her? Do I want to? I know for my sons' sake I have to try, he and Elliot deserve that much at least. I can't take his son away. I lay Eli down gently in the bassinet they put beside my bed and settle back against my pillows. Releasing a sigh I think back on the events of the day and just how badly things could have turned out. So much has happened in the past two years that I just do not know anymore. The blissful oblivion of sleep is coming and as my eyes grow heavy, I know without a doubt that the real fight begins tomorrow. I also know that this fight is going to make or break us all.


	2. Silent Affirmations of a Hug

**A/N: FINALLY I CAN UPDATE! My goober husband broke the computer and I couldn't upload anything! I was going crazy! Please excuse the gap in time between chapters. I will do my best to update daily until the story is finished now. Read and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them, my imagination just borrowed them for a bit :)  
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_**OLIVIA'S P.O.V**_

Leaning against the wall across the hall from Kathy Stablers' room waiting for Elliot to come out, I heave a heartfelt sigh of relief. Man, what a day, I catch myself almost smiling at the irony of it. I must have pissed someone off royally along the way to incur this kind of wrath. I was just doing Elliot a favor because he was working a case and ended up with far more than I ever bargained for. I did not know I had that level of determination in me as I worked with the paramedics and EMT's stabilize Kathy. I just knew that no matter what happened I could not let him down in that way, I could not let him lose two of the most important people in his world. He was counting on me so I stepped up and did what I knew he would want, what any good partner would do. I catch myself doing things based on what I think his opinion would be a lot lately and I don't have the slightest clue why. Perhaps I am just making sure I do not have to withstand the worst of his infamous temper anymore. Things are different since I came back from Oregon. I just don't have that much fight left in me these days. I went undercover for the FBI and did a stint in computer crimes to distance myself from this, our partnership, and even him. Somewhere along the way it became so complicated. Elliot is my best friend, my rock, my axis, and I know I can depend on him no matter what. I know he has my back, he is my partner. But at the end of the day I still walk out of the precinct and leave him behind.

I hear the door open and glance up from the place against the wall that I have rooted myself to while I waited on him to leave her room. My eyes absorb his appearance and his ragged and forceful breathing catches my attention. I wonder almost frantically if something is wrong with Kathy or the baby so I lever myself away from the wall and plaster a smile on my face and open my mouth to speak.

"How is the baby?" I ask so quietly that I wonder if it is really me talking. Does my voice actually sound like that?

Silently I watch him heave a sigh of relief and that long slow smile that I have come to love over the years spreads across his face. . . . Wait, hold the phones Bob, did I really just use the word love in the same sentence as my partner, my very attractive and infuriating MARRIED partner? This is not happening. I knew things were complicated but somehow admitting the real reason I left to myself makes matters so much worse. I cannot love him, he isn't mine to love.

"Great." He says on an expulsion of breath. The euphoria of being a brand new father for the fifth time looks good on him. Very good. His gaze lingers for a few seconds longer before he moves past me to continue down the hallway.

He has a unique walk that is all his own, that just screams ELLIOT STABLER. It is cocky, self-assured, straight, and unbelievably appealing to the female population and I am no exception. I usually catch an enthralled female staring unabashedly at him at least once a day. He keeps on walking, the knowledge that I am to follow him is a given. I can't wait to go home and take a nice hot shower, maybe a bubble bath, and cleanse myself of the trauma and memories that this day has laid at my feet. The after birth and blood from Kathy and his newborn son still coats my shirt and shoes. The events of the day are beginning to wear on me. Exhaustion rips through every fiber of my being, I am tired of being strong today. I want the oblivion of sleep.

I barrel into something rock hard and steadfast, I know without looking up that it is him. Slowly but surely, I raise my eyes, uncertain of what I will find, and look up into the most magnetic bottomless and now twinkling electric blue eyes that have become so familiar and oh so dear over the years of our tumultuous partnership. His bulky arms snake around me and I find myself being absorbed into his big warm embrace.

Oh god. This isn't good. Why is he doing this? It is breaking the rules. We don't touch that rule alone has held the key to our working so successfully together. Standing awkwardly in his arms right now I know that I was right. I always knew that being held by him would blow any other embrace in my past out of the water. I am in the one place I never thought I would be, I am in Elliot Stabler's arms and it feels good. Right. Safe. I don't know what to do; this is a line we were never supposed to cross. I 

could care about him; I could fall fast and hard and never be able to recover. He is married! I just held his wife's hand and held their newborn son while the life drained out of her and she coded. I was so afraid she would die. How would I have put him back together after that? Shock and something else I can't quite name are coursing through me. What am I supposed to do? Does he need comfort? Does he need reassurance?

I can feel his jaw working next to my ear as I put my hands on his waist. He is trying to tell me something but the words aren't quite coming out. His smell, oh how I have come to adore and rely on that smell. Old Spice, who knew it could be so. . .so. . .so, well erotic and comforting.

His breath is tickling my ear. He is trying to form words and the breath that is coming in place of them is causing chills to race up and down my spine. I know I am going crazy now because I can NOT feel like this about him.

"You're ok" he says on a sigh so wrought with torment and emotion that it is tangible.

A violent shudder runs through his powerful frame. This embrace isn't about him or Kathy, or their baby. He wants; no he needs to reassure himself that I am ok. He needs to know that I am in one piece. I thought it was his way of saying thanks, but it is something so much more. I feel his relief; his terror, his pain, and something else so intense that neither of us is willing to acknowledge it or give it free rein between us. Oh dear god, please help me because I am not this strong. I can't resist this warmth or the comfort. I want them both so badly right now. Who am I kidding? I need them and I need him. Sliding my arms up his back I squeeze for all I am worth. Inhaling his scent because I know I am committing it all to memory in view of the fact that it is not my right to have the comfort of his arms draped around me. But for a minute I take what he is giving me so freely because I am not strong enough to resist it. God may strike me down as soon as I walk out the door of this hospital but nothing short of a natural disaster or Armageddon could tear me from his arms at this moment.

I was right in a way; I knew touching him would change everything. These feelings and the effect it is having on me are cataclysmic. My mind, body, and emotions are reeling from the sweet torture this simple hug causing; I can feel it in my toes. How can we go back now?

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_**ELLIOT'S P.O.V**_

There she is, the best thing I have seen all day. I owe all that I have right now to her. My wife and my son are still alive because she fought with all she was worth to save them. She didn't give up. I am so proud of her. They tell me she fought like she was running from the fires of hell to save them, completely mindless of her hurts and wounds. Olivia is my best friend, my other half. What a day. Opening the door to come out of Kathy's room the events of the day play back in my mind. It all started with a phone call, a horrible gut wrenching phone call telling me that two of the most important people in my world were in a car accident. A car had blown through a red light and into the passenger side of the car carrying my whole world. I remember my heart stopping as my thoughts raced straight to Olivia. I prayed that it wasn't her and that she was safe. I remember the almost maniacal terror I felt at the thought of something happening to her. Then I remembered that Kathy was in the car. Olivia had agreed to take her to her regular OB appointment because I was out of town on a case. Captain told me that they had been T-boned by another car headed by a careless drive.

I raced into the emergency room past a startled Olivia and into the room where my wife and son were placed after being brought in. I am a new daddy for the fifth time, so why when it was most crucial were my first thoughts about the welfare of my partner and not my wife? Olivia means so much to me; I died a little when she left without so much as a word. There is so much more to her, to our partnership than I ever knew or was willing to admit. It's been changing since my separation and her undercover assignment for the FBI. I think it's even been changing since day one when I walked into the precinct and was introduced to her as my new partner. Man she eats away at my temper and gets under my skin so badly sometimes. We have always this unspeakable connection, this innate understanding and awareness of each other. We butt heads, argue, fight, scream at each other, protect each other, we hurt each other, but we are two halves of a whole in the simplest way.

I could have lost her today and that thought steals every breath from my body. At that moment I look up and connect her worried eyes. As I get closer to her, silent words pass between us. With ym eyes I let her know that I am ok.

"How is the baby?" I hear her say.

"Great" I say on a slow expulsion of breath that conveys my relief and happiness.

That sound that emanates from my throat doesn't sound like my voice but it is. So many emotions are coursing through my veins right now: terror, relief, anguish, panic, happiness, and love. Love? Really? But for whom my partner, or my wife? I really don't know anymore, the line is so hazy. Looking at Olivia, I can see she is still wearing the shirt that bears the blood from my son's birth. God she is beautiful, still smiling after the hell she has been through today. I start past her, the knowledge that she will follow is a given. I have paperwork to do and four other children to check on and fill them in on the day's events. I have to tell them about their new brother and mom. Turning the corner the thought hits me again that I could have lost her. The truck could have come from the other side and Olivia could have died. It is crippling to know and realize that without her I lose a vital piece of myself. I spin around in time to catch her as she plows into me. I look into her eyes a split second before I pull her into my arms. Can she see it? Does she already know what I am only beginning to realize?

Drinking in the scent that is uniquely Olivia, I try desperately to convince myself that she is ok while trying to bleed into her all that I am feeling through this simple embrace. She is standing so rigidly in my arms right now. I can feel her questioning me. She is silently asking me why I am doing this, why am I breaking the unspoken rule. We don't touch, it is a line we have never crossed and for this reason. We both knew that if it ever happened the effects would be devastating and they are. She fits in my arms, almost as though she were made for them. She slides her hands up to my hips and it makes me shiver. Her touch is calming, reassuring, and hypnotic.

Bringing my mouth down next to her ear I slowly start trying to work out the words I need so desperately to say at this moment. Which ones do I use? I don't know. There aren't any words to accurately describe what I am feeling at this moment. I feel some forming and as I try to say them my mouth goes dry. Nothing comes out but an incoherent mumble on a breath. Her fingers flex. She knows I am trying to say something and is encouraging me to say them. Closing my mouth I gather my wits and the words.

"You're ok" come out on a heavy breath as a shudder rips down my spine.

I hear her breath hitch and I feel her body go limp. Her arms come up and around me and she clings to me like a lifeline. Her body is starting to melt into mine. Lord, she is perfect. She fits in a way Kathy never has. Home, I feel like I have finally come home. She knows what I am trying to say without me speaking a word and I feel her responding to me. She telling me what we have never and can never put into words. She needs me too and in this moment, she is telling me. I cannot tell where I end and she begins. We are slowly melting each other. She is me and I am her.

This changes everything. Now that I know how it feels to hold her can I ever go back to how it was before? I know in my heart that I can never just be Olivia Bensons partner again but for the sake of my newborn son and wife I have to try. How do I deny what my subconscious knew all along? I don't want to let go. I want to hold her. I need to hold her. Damning god for this cruel twist of fate my mind screams silent questions into the air. Why Olivia and why now? Why couldn't I just live in ignorance of never knowing what it feels like to have this level of completion? To hold it in my arms and feel so at peace? My body starts making demands that I can't indulge so with one last reluctant squeeze I set her away from me.

Never missing a beat she shoots me a beaming smile. She makes things so easy. Her eyes are bright and sparkling as she looks into mine. Sometimes I swear she can see straight to my soul.

Mustering a grin when I don't particularly have it in me I begin the banter that defines our relationship.

"Kathy wants to name the baby after me" I say smiling softly as I think of newborn son.

"Great! That's just what the world needs, another Elliot Stabler." She snorts on a laugh.

Whirling around I know I have startled her because she backs up. I am helpless to stop the anger flowing through my veins right now.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean Liv?" I let out on a low growl.

" Back off Stabler, I am not in the mood to deal with your alter ego. I am getting a cab and going home. In case you have forgotten I saved two lives today." She flips back as she stalks past me and out of the door to hail a cab.

I watch her retreating form with some form of irritation and then it hits me, it all makes sense. I love her! Oh god I love her like hell and she can never know!


	3. Cab Finch

**A/N: Chapter 3 is here. YAY! I doubted my desktop would do it. Ole Bessie pulled through and here it is. Thoughts and suggestions are welcomed!  
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**Disclaimer: They are not mine and belong to Dick Wolf. The are on brief sabbatical to my imagination.  
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"Damned irrational irritating infuriating stubborn gorgeous specimen of a man!" She mumbles as she stomps to the curve to hail a cab. Just as she begins to painfully lift her arm, a familiar brown sedan comes to a screeching halt at the curb ten short feet away from where she is standing. Three faces that have become dear to her over the years pour out of the car at what seems warp speed to her overly tired eyes.

"Olivia are you ok?" a worried Don Cragen asks as he gives her a weary once over to check for scratches and injuries. "We had to make sure you were ok."

"I'm fine Cap. If you are looking for Elliot, he is inside with Kathy and Eli. Do me a favor and try to convince him to get a little it of rest will you. I really don't feel like dealing with the Un-Stabler when we get back to work. I am really not in the mood to play nice with his alter ego" she says.

"Sure thing. However, Olivia, why don't you take tomorrow off though? You have had quite a day yourself and you look like you could use some good rest too." He says back to her.

Coming forward at this, Fin steps up beside her and begins to talk.

"Baby girl, why don't you let Munch and me take you home. It seems a shame to waste any money on a cab. We promise to be real nice." Fin says with a mischievous grin and looking so smug that I have to smile at him. It is nice to have "brothers" like these two goof balls to watch over and take care of me she muses to herself.

"Sure guys, just as long as you promise no funny business. It has been a long day" she says with a genuine smile as she starts to climb into the backseat.

"Man didn't your momma teach you any manners? Don't make her sit in the back. " Fin says with a short smack to the back of Munch's head. "Would all ladies that have been in car accidents and delivered a baby today please report to the front seat of Cab Finch please?" He says in his best airline attendant voice.

Clasping a hand over her mouth she tries valiantly but unsuccessfully to stifle a snort of laughter. Recovering valiantly, she says in her best Gone With The Wind Voice "Why I do believe that means me! Finally, some big strong men to take me home! "Bringing her hand up to her forehead for added effect she adds comically "I am so very tired after all, I don't think I can take one more step."

"Alright ladies and gents please buckle your seat belts and lock the doors. For safety purposes the owners of Cab Finch would like to request that you keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times" Fin says starting the engine and pulling away from the curb.

Don Cragen stands there watching the easy banter between those three. Over the years, the detectives of his unit had grown closer to each other than any family he had ever seen. They depended on each other, supported, and took care of each other in times of need. They were a well-oiled machine. Though they were all close, he was not so blind that he could not see that of all of his detectives, Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler were closer than any other team he had. They have this connection that set them apart from everyone else. I have seen them on more than one occasion carry on conversations with only looks and expressions to guide them. They are my best team and their closure rate is better than any other I have. I have wondered on many occasions if they know how deep, their connection goes or which emotions it is tied to.

Just be forewarned, he thinks to himself, those two will have a reckoning one day and god help us all when that battle begins. He wonders if some of Olivia's weariness has anything to do with a certain detective somewhere inside the hospital.

Watching the car pull away, he walks into the hospital to see his other star detective pacing back and forth in the hallway shoving his hands through his hair and muttering to himself. As he gets closer he cannot help but grin and suppress a short bubble of laughter as he starts catching bits and pieces of what Elliot is saying.

"Damned irritating unreasonable stubborn crazy irrational beautiful mess of a woman!" he is mutters to himself.

"Nice vocabulary Detective Stabler. Talking about anyone I know?" Cragen asks and then upon seeing Elliot's embarrassment at being caught quickly changes the subject. "How are Kathy and the baby? I believe Olivia told us it was a boy."

"Yeah it is a boy and they are doing great. The doc gave Kathy something to help her sleep and they took Eli back to the nursery for the night. They said I should go home and get some rest and then bring her some things back. They want to keep her tomorrow just to make sure things are ok. But so far so good." He says while releasing the breath he was holding.

"That is good news Elliot, I am happy to hear it. Take tomorrow off and enjoy your new addition." Cragen tells him. "Now, kindly point me to the nursery so I can go take a look at the newest addition to the Stabler clan and see if he really is as cute as Olivia says."

"Hey Cap! Do you, uh, know where she went by any chance?" he asks while pointing in the direction of the nursery.

"Who? Olivia?"

"Yeah, Liv."

"Last I heard Scarlett O'Hara had hitched a ride home in Cab Finch." He snickered good-naturedly remember the byplay between the three. "I think they were going drop her off and pick up her meds and surprise her with Chinese."

"Scarlett O'Hara? Cab Finch? Are you ok Cap?" he asks with a look of pure bewilderment on his face.

"You'll have to ask them when you come back to work Stabler." He laughs as he walks down the hall to the nursery. Oh yeah, he muses, the battle to end all battles is coming. He just hopes he does not lose either of his two best detectives in the process.

"Has everyone lost their minds today?" Elliot mumbles aloud to no one in particular as he shrugs back into his jacket. Probably, he thinks, this day has made everyone a little nutty. A nice hot shower and a good dose sleep are just what the doctor ordered but before he heads home he needs to check on Liv and apologize for lashing out at her. It really was not her fault.

I have to lash out at her though, he reasons with himself as he begins the walk to his car. Getting in he realizes it is the only way he will be able to hide this. . .this. . this whatever it was between them. He has to hurt her to save her. It could so easily get out of hand. . .

"Oh hell, it already has." He grumbles as he turns on the radio. He begins to laugh hysterically laugh as he hears the song he pouring through the speakers.

_On one hand I count the reasons I could stay with you_

_And hold you close to me, all night long._

_So many lover's games I could play with you_

_and on that hand I see no reason why it's wrong_

_But on the other hand, There's a golden band_

_To remind of someone who would not understand_

_On one hand I could stay and be your loving man_

_But the reason I must go is on the other hand_

_In your arms I feel the passion, I thought had died_

_When I looked into your eyes I found myself_

_When I first kissed your lips I felt so alive_

_I've got to hand it to you girl, you're something else_

_But on the other hand, There's a golden band_

_To remind of someone who would not understand_

_On one hand I could stay and be your loving man_

_But the reason I must go is on the other hand_

God what a joke he thought as he pulled up to the curb in front of Liv's apartment building. Man I am one sick bastard to even be thinking it. I have never even kissed her. She trusts me and that is something Olivia Benson doesn't do with just anyone, in fact I could count the number of people she trusts on one hand. She just makes me feel so. . so. . whole, he thinks to himself as he instinctively sought out the window he knew was hers. He gasped at the sight that met his eyes. There was someone there and they were holding each other. I watch as they move back and forth in a steady rhythm in a tangle of arms in front of her living room window. Who the hell is up there?What the hell were they doing? Dancing? Why the hell was she doing it in front of the window? His eyes glazed over and he began to shake as the unfamiliar pangs of jealousy crept into his blood stream. She was his dammit!

"What a fucking joke! Sorry Cap apparently there wasn't any need to worry about her after all." He shouts into the darkness that masks the interior of his car. The thought of someone else with their hands on her made him green with envy and red with anger. Even though he had no right to be jealous or envy whoever had her in their arms, he was. He wanted to barge in there and rip them apart and show her that she was supposed to be in HIS arms instead.

"DAMMIT!" he slams an angry fist against the steering wheel with his fist. Peeling away from the curb he speeds toward home wondering why fate has played such a cruel trick on them all.

"What the hell am I going to do?" he asks the darkness seconds before he climbs out of the car and walks into the home he has made with his wife over the past decade or more.

He wants to fight but can't and won't. So he grabs a bottle of whiskey instead and slumps into his recliner. Twisting off the lid he sighs and then takes a healthy gulp of the amber liquid as he begins the battle within.


	4. Drunken Interuptions

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Dick Wolf is being stingy and won't let me borrow them.**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys! Keep them coming. . .As always read and let me know what you think**

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Later that night after Munch and Finn left, she climbed off of her couch where she guessed she had fallen asleep and dragged herself into the shower and bathed the days trauma from her worn body. Pulling on a pair of old running shorts and a tank she went into the kitchen and rummaged in her medicine cabinet until the found the object she was after. Sighing loudly she shook four aspirin into her hand, pulled a bottle of water from her refrigerator, and trudged back into her bedroom. Tucking herself into bed, she downed the aspirin and shifted down on her pillows as she pulled her blankets but to her chin and drifted off in to a fitful sleep. She was awakened a few short hours later by the shrill ringing of her cell phone.

Reaching blindly for her cell phone she flipped it open. "Benson."

"Who wassss it Liv?" Elliot's voice slurred to life through the phone.

Sitting up in bed and scrubbing her hand over her face, she darted a glance to her small alarm clock that rested on her nightstand. 2:48am.

"Is that you El? What do you want?" she questions irritably.

"Yesh iss me Liv. Who wass it?"

"I don't know what you are talking about Elliot. Have you been drinking?"

"It was juss a lil tequila Liv. I only had a lil. Who wass in your apartment tonight?"

"Elliot you aren't making any sense at all. It's after 2 in the morning shouldn't you be with your wife and newborn?"

"They are at the hoshpital sssleeping. Why won't you answer my quession Liv?"

"Elliot you're dead drunk. Go to bed and sleep it off" and with that she hung up the phone, rolled over, pulled up the covers, and drifted back off to sleep with a certain pair of eyes waiting on the other side.

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Three days later a slightly rejuvenated but still sore Detective Olivia Benson sauntered her way into the precinct whistling with a bag full of goodies. Everyone cast a hopeful eye to at the bag full of bagels and tray of coffee she held in her hands. Her contagiously good mood spreading to most of the people in the bull pen.

"Hello boys! The curtain is rising on act 3 and I come bearing gifts!" She says so loudly that she turns the heads of her gloomy partner, Much, Fin, and Lake. Setting the bag on the table by the coffee pot she does her best curtsey.

Snorts of laughter filled the room as Munch and Fin, catching onto her obvious joke about their byplay three nights, fell out of their chairs howling in laughter. Not privileged to be in the "know" about their little joke Lake stares blankly at her wondering if the wreck had somehow knocked her brain loose.

Hearing the laughter Don sticks his head out of the door to see what the commotion is all about and upon seeing Olivia smiles saying "Good to have to back detective. I have left some paperwork on your desk for you to take care of. See that it gets to be before you leave today. Oh and be sure to take it easy for a few days."

"Sure thing Cap!" she replies with a radiant smile in his direction. Man, she thinks to herself, it is so good to be back at work. Although she isn't one hundred percent sure what the real reason is that she was so anxious to return. Picking himself up off the floor Munch walks over to her and swings her around in a quick waltz before setting her back down in front of the table.

"Good to have you back Olivia. Feeling better?" he asks.

Not missing a beat Fin chimes in "Yeah baby girl. It's nice to have something other than Munch's ugly face to look at ever day. Ya feeling better? You were in a bad way a few days ago. Although you were pretty out of it after we got you home. What did they give you at the hospital?" pausing for a second to grin mischievously "It was hard to tell what you were singing between those bouts of laughter, dancing and drool when I was carrying you to bed. I think it was something along the lines of. . . . . ."

"Why you monster," she feigns anger as she pelts him in the arm "don't you know that it is rude to talk about a girls drool?"

"Why Ms. Benson I do believe you look embarrassed!" Lake snorts gleefully.

"Careful Lake I am armed and dangerous!" she says with a smile as she picks up a bagel she had spread with cream cheese. Along with that she grabs a cup of coffee and carries it to her partner's desk where she absently sits it down in front of him before taking her seat at her own desk. Ignoring the scathing looks he is shooting her, she finds herself easily falling into her normal routine when there are no new cases pending. She is startled from her position of submersion in her paperwork a few minutes when her partners' alter ego appears with a vengeance.

"Dammit! What the hell is wrong with you people today? And for the love of Christ can you please quit singing that damn song?!" He bellows so loudly that Cragen peeks out of his office.

"Problems detective?" he queries.

"Yeah, these guys" he motions with a thumb over his shoulder at Munch, Lake, and Fin "will not stop singing that stupid song! And that one," he thundered as he pointed at Olivia "is on drugs or something. She is way to perky today."

"Oh really, what song are they singing?" he asks, clearly amused at the outburst.

"Hit Me Baby One More Time." He grinds out and quickly adds on seeing everyone's raised eyebrows "What? My girls listen to it all of the time."

Grinning from ear to ear Cragen notices Olivia's deep flush, digs in his pants pocket, produces a small box, and tosses it at Elliot. "They are just in a good mood. Try using those, and take an hour. Go to the crib and wake up on the right side of the cot this time hmm." He says while walking back into his office and shutting the door.

Sending everyone a vicious glare, he throws his hands up in the air and storms toward the cribs muttering curses under his breath.

"Wow!" Lake gushes" So THAT is where he got the nickname 'The Un-Stabler'. I always wondered where it came from!"

"Shut up man. If I were you, I wouldn't want to piss him off anymore than he already is and if you do can you wait until the rest of us leave" Fin smarts at him before turning to Liv. "Hey Liv, we voted and we think you should go check on him."

"Aww guys." She whines dramatically "why do I have to go face the music. YOU were the ones singing. "

"Yes BUT you are his partner however. So that automatically puts you first in line for the firing squad." Lake grins. "Why should we get the nasty end of a temper when you will do it for us?"

"Nice one Lake." Much calls from his desk with a grin. "Take a flack if you need to and sing out if you need back-up"

With a dramatic sigh she sauntered off in the direction of the cribs to check on her partner. Drawing closer to the door she hears his violent curses on the other side. Easing the door open and inching her way quietly into the room she moves forward until she finally finds him slouched against the wall in the farthest corner in the room. He looks so defeated, she thinks to herself, sitting all by himself with his head in his hands muttering to himself. Wanting to hear what he is saying she decides to stay silent a few seconds longer.

"This can NOT be happening. Why does it have to be now? Why does it have to be her? This is such a sick joke. I am a real piece of work." He keeps muttering repeatedly.

"El, what's the matter?" she whispers softly as she walks closer. She is startled when he suddenly jumps up with a curse.

"Liv. What the hell are you doing? How long have you been there listening? They should not have sent you in here. "He shoots at her in a dangerous tone he usually uses for some of the more slimy perps that they have interrogated while he staring holes into her head. His eyes are holding a low glint.

"Back off! The reason I am here is that everyone else is too scared to come near you. In case you did not know, our old pal the 'Un-Stabler' has taken over your body the past four days. I am the only one who will put up with your sorry ass Stabler." She hisses at him feeling her blood start to boil. What has gotten into him, she wonders, and why the hell is he taking it out on her. Knowing something is up she presses on.

"I don't need a babysitter! Let alone one who lets just anybody grab a ticket to her bed. One night stand Benson. That is what they call you or did you not know? I was right wasn't I Olivia? I really am the longest relationship you have ever had with a man. That is just pathetic. You can't find anyone else so I am stuck with you" he spits out at her advancing forward.

"You are a sorry son-of-a-bitch you know that?! If you were anyone else, you would be flat on your ass right now and you damn well know it. Your big bad Un-Stabler act might fool everyone else but I know better. Quit being a bastard Elliot. Pull the other one and tell me who peed in your cheerios." She says careful not to flinch as she stands her ground.

He lets out a snort of laughter dripping with disgust and pushes his hand through his hair. "You want to know what it is that is really eating at me, what my problem is." He says advancing on her causing her to back up a step. His menacing steps draw him closer and her farther away until she is against the wall and they are standing toe to toe. Leaning in slightly so that his breath tickles her nose, he says, "You are Liv. You are my problem"

"I am? How? What did I do?" she retorts

"You are everywhere. You are on my clothes when I go home, in my head when I close my eyes, the voice in my head every time I start to do something, every place I go I see you, and you fit." He says taking a few steps back and slumping his shoulders dejectedly.

"I fit? What is that supposed to mean? I am not the one who crossed that line Elliot. YOU did. YOU held ME remember." She says in an attempt to fight back.

"You felt it didn't you Liv?" he says with dawning realization. He half-heatedly smiles as he realizes that she is not telling him the whole truth, there is something else she is hiding.

"Tell me that I'm not crazy and you felt it to." He whispers stepping forward again and standing with his tips of his toes touching hers.

"I. . .El. . .You cannot . . . why did you. . It was. ... "She stutters and looks into his eyes. They are shimmering with an emotion she still cannot name. Self-loathing she wonders? On the other hand, is it something else?

"You did. Oh god Liv you fit. Why did you have to fit?" he mutters to no one in particular in a voice filled with torment.

Knowing that she can never be "that girl" she prepares to do the one thing she has never done, lie to him. Turning around but not looking him fully in the eyes, she takes a deep breath and steels her body to voice her reply "No El, I didn't. I really don't know what you mean."

Muttering a violent curse, he leans forward simultaneously as his hands shoot out and fist into the hair at the back of her head. Yanking her forward he positions her lips right under his.

"Can you honestly look me in the eyes right now and tell me you don't want this as much as I do. I want it like I want air to breathe Liv. I need it and you do to. You forget that I know you. Better than I know myself sometimes. So go ahead and lie. Tell me that you have not ever wanted to feel my lips on yours. I dare you." He says on a low gravelly whisper.

She shivers in his arms and lifts her eyes to his. Elliot Stabler as close range is even more devastating the Elliot Stabler from a distance. Opening her mouth to form the protest her pride and morals demand she make, no matter how bad she really wants and craves him, she begins the lie she hopes he does not see. Lord give me strength to do this she prays. "El I don't do this. . . I . . . we. . You do not really mean it. . The last few days have been hard for you."

With a powerful yank he snaps her head back and growls "You of all people should know how dangerous it is to lie to me Liv. I see through you. Let me. . . .Oh god . . . help me. . . I have to. .I need. . Liv. . "He brings his lips a hares breath away "Tell me Liv. . . push me away. . lie to me. . . "

They hear the door swing open and she yanks herself out of Elliot's hold as Lake pokes his head in and yells "Hey guys, drinks at O' Malleys in twenty. Cap sent me to come check the blood shed and pass word. He says we all have to go."

Olivia sees her out and grabs it . . . from where she is standing, she dashes to the door and grabs Lakes arm pulling him along with her. Praise the lord she thinks to herself. Someone is watching over me tonight!

"Tell Cap that I will meet him there. Walk me to my car Ches so I can go home and get ready. Man I need a shower! I smell like sweat and pedophile." she says on a grateful sigh. Good ole Chester she 

thinks to herself. Remind me to get the man a bigger bagel from now on. Knowing that the moment is over, Elliot slams his fist into the wall then grabs his jacket and heads toward the bar.


	5. Special Agent Staff Evaluations

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the song which by the way is Before He Cheats y Carrie Underwood**

**A/N: You guys are so encouraging! Thank you for the reiews and suggestions you guys have left me so far. Here is the latest chapter with some fun in the mix. Love it or hate it let me know! Due to stupid trojan viruses I can't check my email but I hope to be able too soon. You guys rock!  
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Heaving a sigh of heartfelt relief Liv made her way out of the precinct on the arm of Chester Lake. Man, she thinks, that was a narrow escape. One more second spent trapped in that intense gaze would have been her undoing and no matter how much she wants him, she knows that she will never and can never be "that girl". She will not let herself be the reason he leaves his wife, which knowing Elliot, will never happen. Her face softens as she thinks of Eli and the few special moments they shared after his birth. Loving Elliot so fiercely does her absolutely no good at all. Sometimes, though, she really wishes her pride did not hinder her from grabbing the only love she has ever really known. No, she will not make a move. She respects herself to much. She respects him to much.

"Hey Olivia, you ok?" Lake asks when they reach her car "I'm really sorry if I interrupted anything, but you had been gone a while and we were getting worried about you. So we voted and I, not surprisingly, lost. Stupid Munch and Fin, as if I had a chance. Talk about your run of the mill conspiracies. Thank goodness Cap came out and gave me the perfect in."

"Munch and Fin should know better. I am no wimp, and besides, I was armed." She replied with a devious smile on her face. " You will learn soon enough, young grasshopper, that I can take anything Detective Stabler can dish out and more. He may have a temper but I guarantee that mine is so much worse."

"Now that is something I will believe. I guess I will see you back at the bar in a few Olivia," He said on a chuckle and turned to take his first few steps to walk back to the precinct.

"Hey Ches!" she called a split second later "my friends call me Liv."

A beaming Chester Lake stared at her for a second then waved and walked away calling an "Alright then, see you in a few LIV!" behind him.

Grateful for her narrow escape, she sank into the front seat of her car wondering why in the hell she drove to work when she lived a barely 15 minute walk away. Deciding that her good mood must have temporarily shut down her brain, she inserted the key into the ignition turned the key. The cars engine easily turned over and she backed out of her parking space and pointed her car toward home. Helpless anger boiled up inside her on her short drive home.

"How dare that pompous tyrant think that he can just crook his finger at me and I will swoon at his feet?! The last thing Olivia Benson is, is a silly little school girl." She mutters to herself on a snort.

" What an arrogant ass! Well we will see. Tonight I will show Elliot Stabler something he has never seen. I think I will let him really see what he missed by not making his move while he could. Men!" She mutters to herself on her way into her building. Her tirade carries her up four flights of stairs to her apartment door. Fishing in her purse, she produces her keys and lets herself into the familiar confines of her home. Time to show the men of the 1-6 a side of Olivia Benson they never get to see, she thinks to herself. Inwardly, she is laughing to herself and wishing she had a camera to record the looks on their faces when they see her.

Walking down the hall and into her bathroom, she sheds her work clothes and starts the shower. Getting the temperature just right she steps in. Sighing with intense pleasure as the hot water washes 

over her. Lathering her loofah, the memories of what happened today in the crib washed over her. Feverishly, she tries to wash the remnants of his touch from her skin.

"This is just freaking grand!" she mutters aloud "Over thirty minutes later and I still feel like someone has taken a branding iron to my skin."

Finishing her shower, she wraps herself in her green terry cloth robe and walks into her room to dig through her closet. Finding her favorite pair of hip huggers she wears out on the rare occasion she gets to go, she grins. "Perfect! Now where is that shirt I wear with these?" she says rifling through the other half of her closet. "There you are!" she says grabbing a shirt she bought while undercover in Oregon "just wait until they get a load of this puppy!"

Pulling on her black lacy briefs and bra she sits down on the corner of her bed and slides her feet into the legs of her pants. Standing up she wiggles them up to fit snugly to her hips and buttons them in place. Pulling on her shirt she dances into the bathroom singing to herself. While putting the finishing touches on her evening look she is interrupted by a loud banging on her door. Quickly spraying her hair into place she shrugs on her jacket and rushes to answer it grabbing red strappy shoes on the way.

"I didn't order anything, I don't want any magazines, I already bought Girl Scout cookies, no you can't borrow my shoes, and you better have a damn good reason for disturbing me because I have a gun and I know how to use it." She shouts at the person on the other side of the door.

Just for good measure, she adds "I am on my way out so if you are some sick perv trying to knife me you better run!"

Looking through the peephole, she lets out an enthusiastic squeal and swings open her door.

"Well if it isn't Special Agent in Charge Dean Porter! When did you get back?" she exclaims pulling him into a hug.

"I just got into the city a few minutes ago. I came straight over to see my favorite girl." He says with a huge grin.

"You know Dean it is always great to see you but I am on my way out. I have to meet Cap and the guys at O'Malley's at, well about 10 minutes ago. If you want to tag along and talk you can. I'll even tell them you are my date." She says with a sly smile.

"Do you ever slow down? Sure, I'll come. Now just pull those puppies on and we will be on our way. Is it considered sexual harassment if I tell you how hot you look right now?" he asks as she finishes putting on her shoes and takes a twirl in front of him.

"What was that I heard about Girl Scout cookies again? You know I can't resist a mint patty" He grins after releasing her so she can shrug into her jacket.

"Ok Agent Porter lets go. I am already running behind and Cap is going to let me have it." She giggles good-naturedly. "The bar is only 10 blocks this way," she says as she turns to her right. "It is way too close to drive to. So how have you been Dean?"

"Good! I was just coming to chase you down and see if I could charm you into doing something for me but we will talk about it later." He says swinging an arm up and around her shoulders as they walked. "So, have you gotten those man problems resolved yet?"

"To tell you the truth Dean, I was beginning to think I imagined them". She replied honestly "But now, now I know they weren't a figment of my imagination and I need to forget about it and them and find 

a way to move on. He is inaccessible. . Off limits,...out of my league . . . unattainable. . Now more so than ever and I do not want to ruin what he has. Let me re-phrase that. . I refuse to ruin it. I am not that kind of girl"

"I know you aren't Liv. You're an angel and a damn pretty one at that." He grins down at her from his impressive stature. "You said O'Malley's right?"

"Yea." She says.

"Ok well here we are. How about buying a thirsty man a drink and showing him what you are hiding under that coat. If it is what I think it is I might be fending off some unwanted suitors tonight." He says jokingly.

Walking into the bar, they quickly spotted the others, thanks to Casey's frantic waving, and headed in that direction. "Hey guys, sorry I'm late! Lookie at what I found hanging around outside my door jonesing for Girl Scout cookies." She says as she claimed the seat next to Casey leaving Dean to pull one up for himself.

"So Cap, why are we ALL here tonight?" Elliot asked after shooting Olivia and Dean a vicious glare. "Kathy about had a coronary when I told her that I was coming out. I need another drink." He said while raising his glass to the passing server.

"Just make sure you watch your tequila intake this time Stabler, I'm not in the mood for any early morning wake up calls" Olivia added on a grin.

"Well, Elliot, I am glad you asked" Cragen began "as you all know, the staff evaluations are due well . . . tomorrow and I completely forgot. You all know the drill about how it works. I have to evaluate you as individual cops and how you interact with your partners and so on. But, in light of the recent case we just closed, I have decided that for your individual evaluations I would require you to do something a little fun to bring you out of your detective personas and help you unwind. So ladies and gents of the 1-6 and our cohorts, that means you guys too," he says pointing to Mel, Casey, and Huang, "your evaluation is this. You will pick a song, climb up on the stage, and sing it to all of us. That is right people its karaoke time. Choose your songs wisely. I expect to see you step outside of your comfort zones and show me your human sides. I know you have them"

He laughs at their shocked open-mouthed expressions and before they have a chance protest raises his hand and says "That means me too so you have no way out. That being said, who is going first?"

Simultaneously all fingers point to Casey who throws up her arms and says "Alright but since I am going first I get to pick who goes next and Munch I can't wait to see what you come up with!" she says as her devious smile spreads across her face. "That's right buddy, it's payback time and you are NEXT!" Grinning at his expression she walks up to the stage, leans over to the DJ, and whispers her song selection into his ear. A short laugh escapes him as he walks up onto the stage and removes the microphone from its stand.

"Ladies and gentleman it appears to be evaluation night at the 16th precinct! The members of the Special Victims Unit are here to ring in the New Year with their annual staff evaluations. Therefore, people, we all know a woman scorned is a dangerous thing. So join me in welcoming ADA Casey Novak singing a Carrie Underwood original!"

Raucous applause and catcalls filled the room as the opening strains of the song filled the room. Watching intently from their table, the rest of the 1-6 squad saw a Casey Novak that all but one person was unfamiliar with.

Glancing at Liv, who was unsuccessfully stifling her laughter at the song choice, she smiled conspiratorially before the first strands of her song filtered through the speakers. Liv alone knew the story behind her love for this song. From the back of the stage Casey sashayed her way to the front of the stage before locking eyes with a beet red John Munch and beginning her song.

**Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp **

**and she's probably getting frisky...**

**right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink**

**cause she can't shoot whiskey...**

**Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick**

**showing her how to shoot a combo...And he don't know...**

Walking to the left side of the stage she begins to saunter to the right dragging her right hand at hip height holding the mic with the left, she began belting out the chorus.

**That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive**

**carved my name into his leather seats...**

**I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights**

**slashed a hole in all 4 tires...**

**Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.**

Taking one-step at a time, she descends from the stage, accentuating each step she takes, and saunters over to the first table and puts an arm around the unsuspecting black haired man staring blindly at her with wide eyes before beginning the second verse and drawing circles on his chest.

**Right now, she's probably up singing some**

**white-trash version of Shania karoke**

**Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"**

**and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,**

**Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo...**

**And he don't know...**

Turning to face her companions, she begins to walk back to the table where the rest of them were sitting clapping along with stunned grins on their faces. She raises her right hand to hip level after switching the mic to her left she walks back to their table singing. . .. .

**That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,**

**carved my name into his leather seats,**

**I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,**

**slashed a hole in all 4 tires...Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.**

Walking around to Much she perched herself on his knees and put an arm around his shoulders before belting out

**I might saved a little trouble for the next girl,**

**Cause the next time that he cheats...Oh, you know it won't be on me!**

Pushing herself into a standing position, she grabbed his hand and began to lead him slowly back to the stage singing

**Ohh... not on me...**

**Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive**

**carved my name into his leather seats...**

**I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights**

**slashed a hole in all 4 tires...**

Reaching the bottom of the stairs that lead to the stage, she leaves Munch standing there at the stairs she ascends the steps back onto stage before making her grand finish

**Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.**

**Ohh Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats...**

**Ohh... before he cheats...**

Handing the microphone back to the DJ she takes a bow before waltzing back to their table. With a smug smile she sits down before she says. "So Cap, how'd I do?"


	6. Red High Hells

**A/N: Sorry for the delay! I have 4 chapters finished and on a whim my computer decided to work! WOO HOO! So here is the next installment before my computer decides to bite the dust again! Thanks for the reviews!  
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**mekaky: Thanks for the faithful reviews! they make me smile**

**Riplee: Will Elliot wake up in time? I wonder what will happen next don't you. . BWAHAHAHAH**

**Electric Wannabe: I have been told I have a sick sense of humor. .glad you appreciate it**

**Elisabeth Carmicheal: Good ole loveable Chester. Has a penchant of sticking his nose in at the exact wrong time. **

**Disclaimer: Sadly they aren't mine, they belong to Dick Wolf who doesn't like to share so I simply borrow them and subject them to my over active imagination!**

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Watching Casey in pure awe, admiration, and faint attraction as she exited the stage and made her way back to their table, Munch contemplated his song choice. Smiling to himself, he leaned down, whispered his song selection to the DJ, and slowly ascended the stairs. Searching the stage he found the object he was looking for and walked to the back to grab a stool. Picking up the stool with deliberate slowness, he carried it to the front of the stage, sat it down, and took a seat. Staring out over the crowd he slowly smiled and lifted the microphone to his mouth.

"Evening folks, I'm John Munch! Well, we all know that on a bad day that we would love nothing better than to be sitting on the dock of the bay far away from everything. Bear with me because singing is not my talent, I suggest ear plugs." He said on a grin.

As the music drifted through the speakers, he looked back towards his colleagues. Knowing they would recognize the song and be shocked, he smiled. He locked his eyes with Casey and began his song.

**Sittin in the morning sun,**

**I'll be sittin' when the evening come,**

**Watching the ships roll in,**

**And I'll watch 'em roll away again, **

**yeah, I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay,**

**Watching the tide roll away, **

**oh h I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay**

**Wasting time**

Watching the look of pure disbelief spread across her delicate features, he smiled as he tore his gaze away from Casey. Taking in the rest of his colleagues, he begins to feel more at ease as he takes in their encouraging looks and gestures. Finding a spot on the back wall, he takes a breath and continues.

**I left my home in Georgia,**

**Headed for the Frisco bay**

**I have nothing to live for,**

**Look like nothings gonna come my way,**

**So I'm just go sit on the dock of the bay**

**Watching the tide roll away,**

**I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay,**

**Wasting time**

**Look like nothings gonna change,**

**Everything still remain the same,**

**I can't do what ten people tell me to do,**

**So I guess I'll remain the same, yes,**

**Sittin' here resting my bones,**

**And this loneliness won't leave me alone, yes,**

**Two thousand miles I roam**

**Just to make this dock my home**

**Now I'm just go sit at the dock of the bay**

**Watching the tide roll away, ooh**

**Sittin' on the dock of the bay**

**Wasting time**

Finishing his song, he stood and took a bow before straightening. "Well, ladies and gents, it is time for the next songbird to take the stage. I promise you all she is much better looking than this wrinkled old man is and has an amazing voice to boot. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome SVU's own songbird Detective Olivia Benson!"

Smiling Olivia rose from her chair and made her way to the stage. On her way to the stage, she passed Munch to whom she grabbed and gave a huge hug. Leaning close she whispered to him.

"That was great John. Now sit back and watch me give these people something to smile about. Do me a favor and do not give away my secret just yet big brother. You, Fin, and Dean are the only ones who know I can do this."

"You mean you never told Elliot you could give Celine Dion a run for her money?" he says in mock disbelief.

"Celine Dion? Why John Munch you old softie who would have thought a man like you dug Celine. To answer your question no, I did not tell anyone about it. With the exception of you three who kind of happened upon my little secret by accident."

Patting him on the back, she continued up to the stage and gave a conspiratorial wink to the DJ as she reached him. She leaned her head down to whisper to him what she wanted. The DJ gave her a sly smile and quickly lowered the lights as she stepped onto the darkened stage, tossed her jacket off to her cohort, and went to the back of the stage to await her moment. Munch giving Fin a knowing grin spoke up just as the first strands of the song filtered out of the speakers.

"Hey guys, did notice that Liv still had on her jacket?"

Grinning at the blank looks he is receiving from all but two of his companions, he sat back, and tucked his hands behind his head and waited for the other shoe to drop. As the lights came back on a gasp rose from the crowd. Munch, Fin, and Porter could not help but collapse in fits of laughter as Elliot did something so un-Elliot like and fell out of his chair. On the stage was an Olivia Benson that only three of them had ever had the luck to see.

From his un-dignified position on the floor, Elliot could not help but stare. There on the stage stood Olivia, HIS OLIVIA, in the tightest jeans he had ever seen. He had absolutely no idea that she was hiding THAT under her work clothes. Glancing down he noticed that she was wearing the most sensual pair of red high heels. They emphasized the delicate arch in her foot and showed off her freshly pedicure red toes. Man, who ever though feet could be so sexy? Dare I look up he wondered to himself. Sucking in a deep breath he steeled himself for what he would find. Slowly lifting his eyes he took in the full package: the sexy red shoes, the tight pants, and what looked like the softest black silk wraparound V-neck shirt. Pausing he three quarters of the way up he could not help but notice the daring display of cleavage the shirt showed. Picking himself up off the floor he finally looked her dead in the eyes and all thought fled at the things he saw in them.

Pointing to their table at him and grinning from ear to ear at the expressions that she saw on the faces of her friends, she began her song.

**Baby, I got plans tonight**

**You don't know nothin' about**

**I've been sittin' 'round way too long**

**Tryin' to figure you out**

**But you say that you'll call**

**And you don't**

**And I'm spinnin' my wheels**

**So I'm goin' out tonight**

**In my red high heels**

Making her way to the right side of the stage, she sashayed down the steps and into her captivated audience. She pranced her way past three tables and turned to the fourth table on her right. Perching herself on the lap of the fair haired Adonis, she wrapped her arm around his neck and started in on her second verse with the whole hearted support of her enthralled audience who was now clapping along.

**I'm gonna call up that ol' boyfriend**

**Who says still has it bad for me**

**I'm gonna take him into town**

**Flaunt him around for everyone to see**

**Well, you say watch yourself, baby**

**Yeah, you know the deal**

**Nobody holds a candle to me**

**In my red high heels**

Standing up she grabbed his tie before tugging him along behind her in her walk to the bar while singing the chorus.

**Oh, you can watch me walk if you want to, want to**

**I bet you want me back now, don't you, don't you**

**I'm about to show you just how missin' me feels**

**In my red high heels**

Leaving the poor man at the bar where she had lightly pushed him onto a stool, she started her calculated waltz to the table where all of her coworkers, save Munch, Fin, and Dean, were staring at her with their jaws dragging the ground. Good, she thinks while she sings, it is high time for them to notice she is not just a detective. It took her to long enough to figure it out herself; her job did not define her. She defined her job. Reaching her table, she waltzes around the table dragging her hand along the backs of her friends until she gets to where Elliot is sitting. Steeling herself, she sits down in his lap and swings an arm around his shoulder. Turning her attention to him, she begins the second verse.

**All those games you tried to play**

**Well, they ain't gonna work on me now**

**I put a barbed wire fence around my heart, baby**

**Just to keep you out**

**Boy, you thought I'd wait around forever**

**But baby, get real**

**I just kicked ya to the curb**

**In my red high heels**

Standing up, she grabs a hold of his haphazardly loosened tie and smiles to herself at the priceless expression on his face. Good, she thinks, time for him to see that I am a woman and not just his partner. Eat your heart out Elliot Stabler, she thinks to herself, silently demanding that he take full account of what he missed out on. Using his tie, she pulls him to his feet and motions for him to follow her. In one hand, she holds her microphone as she leads him behind her as she sashays her way back to the stage knowing that his eyes are trained on her butt.

**Oh, you can watch me walk if you want to, want to**

**I bet you want me back now, don't you, don't you**

**I'm about to show you just how missin' me feels**

**In my red high heels**

Reaching the stairs that led up to the stage she turned to face him and walked backward up the stairs with his tie still in her hand. All the while she is singing the last part of her song with a smile on her face.

**Oh, you can watch me walk if you want to, want to**

**I bet you want me back now, don't you, don't you**

**I'm about to show you just how missin' me feels**

**In my red high heels**

As the last strands of the song faded out, she released his tie and took a bow before raising the mic back to her lips.

"Thank you! Alright ladies this one is for you. . . give it up for my partner Elliot Stabler!" she says with a grin. She places the mic in his hand before shooting him a beaming smile, patting him on the back, and walks off the stage, reveling in the agape, open-mouthed look he is still giving her.


	7. Someday

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, sadly, Dick Wolf doesn't like to share. The first song is Someday by Nickelback and the second is American Woman by Lenny Kravitz**

**A/N: This chapter is shorter. . sorry, please don't throw flaming bricks through my window. The next one will be better I promise. It shall be posted tomorrow by noon my time! As always read and review if you like. . ENJOY!  
**

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He just stood there at the bottom of the steps, gaping as she made her way back to the table where their friends and colleagues sat. Speechless that is what he was. All he could do was stand there and stare as he watched her progress through the crowd and the near deafening sounds of catcalls and applause. Helpless pairs of eyes were following her swinging behind. Damn, he thought to himself, why haven't I ever noticed how beautiful she is? Or how great she looks? I have never seen a pair of jeans fit like that on anyone ever! It really should be illegal because he could see no man being able to work when a pair of those jeans was around. Maureen and Lizzie would keel over if they could see Liv now; those three have always been thick as thieves.

But I seriously doubt they knew she had this in her. . and that shirt. . .GOOD LORD! Who knew that silk could be so erotic and sexy? His eyes were helplessly drawn to that hint of her flat chiseled stomach that was left bare for the world to see. Those shoes, he raged in his mind, who in the world invented shoes like that? They should be illegal! Note to self, I must remember to search the girls' rooms and destroy all shoes and jeans! They say ignorance is bliss, and I can fully attest to that now as I watch her. I wish I had never figured any of this out. I was happy not knowing what it was that drew me to her. Although looking at her now, I can't imagine not noticing her. How one person could ever be so blind I will never know.

Holding the mic loosely in his left hand, he let the silent laugh wrack his body as he ran his right hand through his hair and down his face, he stared in disbelief at the crowd. He looked over at the DJ who was grinning from ear to ear. Overcome with nervousness and embarrassment, he spoke up "I have no clue how to do this. What am I supposed to sing man?" he expelled on a nervous laugh.

The DJ, who had picked up on the vibe between the two errant detectives, replied with a slow sly smile and said "I have just the thing for you man. It will be just the thing for a man like you." He cast a quick glance at Liv who was looking at Elliot with a grin. She was obviously enjoying his discomfort at the situation.

Holding the microphone in his left hand he shoved the right into the deep recesses of his pocket and jingled the spare changed he found there. He climbed the stairs to the stage with slow reluctance. This, this karaoke thing, was SO not an Elliot Stabler thing to do. He nods nervously to the DJ and waits for the music to start. As the music started, he darted a quick glance at Liv, then he looked down at the monitor as his song began.

**How the hell did we wind up like this  
Why weren't we able  
To see the signs that we missed  
And try to turn the tables**

**I wish you'd unclench your fists  
And unpack your suitcase  
Lately there's been too much of this  
Dont think its too late  
**

He looks up for a quick second and looks at the DJ with raised eyebrows before quickly looking back at the monitor. He has heard this song a million times. It made a lot of sense to him. It was complicated.

**  
Nothin's wrong  
just as long as  
you know that someday I will**

It hit him like a ton of bricks. The DJ had seen his look earlier as Liv walked back to the table. Wanting to look anywhere but at her, he averted his eyes back to the screen as a deep blush started covering his face and neck. He was never going to hear the end of this. He quickly switched the mic to his other hand and continued to the chorus wishing he could crawl into a hole. They are going to see right through me, he thought; remind me to give that DJ proper thanks. Even as he thought it, he had vivid visions of his right fist between the man's eyes.

**Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when**

**Well i hoped that since we're here anyway  
We could end up saying  
Things we've always needed to say  
So we could end up stringing  
Now the story's played out like this  
Just like a paperback novel  
Lets rewrite an ending that fits  
Instead of a Hollywood horror  
**

He quickly looked up because he knew the words that came next and picked a spot on the wall beyond the table where his friends were sitting. He needed to look at her without begin obvious. Looking at his Captain he saw him grinning knowingly at him. There is no way he knows, he thinks smugly, I didn't even know until last week! He looks beyond her again and glanced at her covertly to see her with her head bent toward none other than Dean Porter, deep in conversation, and shaking slightly.

**  
Nothin's wrong  
just as long as  
you know that someday I will**

**Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
**

**(You're the only one who knows that)  
Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
**

Look at me Liv, he pleaded silently. Listen to this song and hear what I have never been able to say. She gets it, he thinks to himself as he saw her quickly rise from her seat and slip towards the bathrooms. True to everything they were, she sensed his eyes and as always turned and searched his eyes before turning, bypassing the hall that led to the restrooms, and made a beeline for the door that led to the alley instead. He wondered why no one else had seen her, there were at least 7 other people at that table. He began to pray for the song to be over so he could go check on her. The rest of his co-workers were smiling at him with encouragement. He noticed Porter smile at him smugly as if he held the key to Pandora's Box and the secrets of the world. He didn't know what was going on and after this song was over, he would make it his job to find out. Looking back at the screen, he threw himself into the last part.

**  
How the hell did we wind up like this  
Why weren't we able  
To see the signs that we missed  
And try to turn the tables  
Now the story's played out like this  
Just like a paperback novel  
Lets rewrite an ending that fits  
Instead of a hollywood horror**

**Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
I know you're wondering when**

As the song faded out, Elliot took his bow before raising the mic and zeroing in on his Captain.

"Ladies and gentlemen" he announced with a forced smile "Give it up for Don Cragen!"

A collective sigh went up as the song ended and Elliot left the stage and walked toward his table. He had stolen several hearts that night. Upon reaching his destination, he picked up his drink, took a healthy swig from it, and forcefully placed it back onto the table. As the first strands of his boss and 

good friends' song began, he made his excuses and headed to the bathroom. As he headed to the bathroom he had to smile inwardly as he heard Captain Cragens' song start up.

**American woman, stay away from me**

**American woman, mama let me be**

**Don't come hanging around my door**

**I don't want to see your face no more**

**I got more important things to do**

**Than spend my time growin' old with you**

**Now woman, stay away**

**American woman, listen what I say**

Glancing around to make sure everyone else's attention was riveted to the singing Captain from the 1-6 precinct, he quietly and efficiently changed his direction and headed toward the door that led into the alley. It was the same door he had seen her exit through on moments before. Please Liv, PLEASE be ok, he prays silently he reaches the door and grasps the handle. He hesitates before turning it as his thoughts catch up with him. What if she was trying to get away from him? Masking his emotions in his "worry", he turns the handle and steps out into the alley. Turning he slowly closes the door to mute the click and prays she didn't hear him come out.

"Liv, where are you? Talk to me baby." He says. He hears muted sobs. Anger and fear fill his veins and he turns just as he hears her. Just as panic began to sweep him, he heard it.

"Over here." She whispered.


	8. Bloody Hell

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf doesn't feel like sharing so they aren't mine.**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! You guys are awesome! Here is the next installment. Like it or hate it let me know.**

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"Over here." I whisper as a sob tears through my body. He will never forgive me for what I have to do now. Damn Dean for this! He is going to hate me and I can do nothing to stop it. I wish I could tell him. God I wish I could tell him.

Just his presence in the alley brings an air of calm. I have never been more relieved nor have I dreaded another person's presence in all of my life. I can't bear this right now; this wasn't supposed to happen again. That part of my life was over, I only needed a break. I don't want him to see me this way, he will try to make it better and his comfort is one thing I cannot bear. Knowing what I have to do before he gets any closer I close my eyes and speak. Inflicting pain is the only way I can save us both.

"Elliot don't, don't come near me. . Just stay over there." I grind out between the quiet sobs I am trying desperately to quell. For once in my life I am thankful for the cover of the darkness that usually brings a quiet chill of terror to my core. I am thankful for the dark corner I found where the dumpster meets the cold brick wall. As I hear his footsteps draw nearer to my hiding place, I try to withdraw further into the darkness. Please God, I pray silently in vain, let him give up and go away. I cannot bear being near him right now, I need to gather my strength to go. Hearing his calculated steps drawing him closer to me still, I sink slowly to the ground allow the darkness to swallow me into its recesses.

I feel the chill of the night; I shouldn't have left my jacket inside but I wasn't thinking that far ahead. I wrap my arms tighter around myself and hope against all hope that he doesn't find me. I watch as his shoes draw him ever closer to my hiding spot. I can't help the bile that is rising in my throat. I dread the second his shoes stop in front of me because I know what he will try to do next. I know he will stoop down and look at me and make a lame attempt at getting me to talk. I don't want him to see me like this! Why won't he just go away?!

Even through the dread, I crave the comfort I know comes with his presence. Our partnership has been the one source of stability and comfort I have known in my life. I love him, it doesn't seem like there was ever any other choice. I love his piercing blue eyes, his cocky self assured gait, his famous Stabler smile that lights up the darkest of nights, and most of all I love the safety and warmth that surrounds my broken heart whenever he is around. He will never know of course. I will never let him see it no matter what it costs me. He will never see how much I depend on his presence and how much our partnership means to me. It is the one thing in this crazy world that makes sense to me. It is why we work so well together. Snapping out of the recesses of my mind, I see his shoes come to a halt in front of me, taking charge of the empty spot on the pavement where I was focusing only moments before. Preparing for the force of impact when he sinks to my level on the ground and looks at me, I swallow hard and brace myself for the moment of impact. I know that even though I hope he won't see my tears, he will feel them. He has always been the one person who was able to see through me to the parts of vulnerability. I try so hard to hide it from the world. It is a sick twist of fate that I can fool everyone else. Well, everyone else but him anyways.

"What's wrong Liv?" I hear him say in that low comforting voice that I have come to know in the past 9 years. He uses it with our victims.

"Look at me." He pleads quietly. I raise my eyes a fraction of an inch to see his knees, looking at his knees is safe. They at least can't decipher the many emotions swimming in my head right now. His 

body language is solid, it is demanding I forget who I am and pour my heart and soul out to him like I have many times before. Silently I curse the wordless communication that has made us legends within the ranks of the NYPD. Even though I lost my faith in God a long time ago, I find myself praying one more time. I wish that just this once he can't see or sense what is going on.

This is a battle that has been raging inside of me, it is one that has not ceased to tug me in every direction since the day I walked into the 16th precinct and looked up into the stormy eyes of the man who would become not only my partner but my best friend. I can feel his hand looming closer to me and dreading its impact I shrink farther back into my dark corner and hope that by withdrawing he will see my reluctance and back off. I will not give in, I can't! Gathering my wits I prepare to speak, words that I know will hurt him bad enough to make him go away. I owe that much to him at least. It will make it easier for him.

"Back it up Stabler!" I hiss with pure bravado. "What I am doing or will do is none of your concern or business. You don't have the right to follow me and make demands. Besides, shouldn't you be at home with your oh-so-perfect wife and family instead of following your single partner into dark deserted alleys? Unless you have forgotten you stubborn pigheaded pompous ass I have a gorgeous man waiting on me inside dying to take me home. I don't need you. So don't think you are doing me any favors. "

I hope that did it, I think silently to myself. I closed my mouth and looked up and waited for my words to hit their mark. It came a mere few seconds later on a slow expulsion of breath.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

But instead of the explosion I know she expected, I dropped the hand I had reached out to her with. What the hell, I think to myself and snake it out again. This time I reach my target. I gently touch the underside of her chin and lift her eyes to meet mine. She has been crying, I can tell and rage fills me. I want to rip apart whoever or whatever is doing this to her.

"Talk to me Liv. Don't do this. I can help you" I beg her.

I feel her start to melt just before she pushes my hand away. I think she is doing it in a last ditch effort to save herself. It must mean I am getting to close.

"Don't do it, don't you dare touch me ELLIOT! You don't have the right; you threw away whatever right you had when you got her pregnant. All you do is hurt me dammit! "She yelled as pushed him away and rose quickly. Caught off guard by her exclamation he lost his balance and fell. Seeing her opening and taking it, Olivia steps around him and starts quickly towards the door. That door would also take her back to the sanctuary of the noisy bar. However, her brisk walk isn't quick enough as she feels herself being wheeled around by the steely grasp of one Elliot Stabler.

Looking straight into his eyes, she calls on their connection to plead with him to release her.

"No. . Liv .. I. . " he says, bringing his head ever so close as his breath expels on a sigh across her lips. He can feel the shivers run down her spine as he draws her closer. Trapping her between his hands.

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"No." I say again while shaking her. I hope that it kills what resistance she has left. I know she has been crying but I don't know why. Feeling the anger and protectiveness surge within me I shake her again. "No. Dammit Liv. Don't you dare!" I refuse to let her push me away again.

I know I haven't been the best of friends to her for the past few months and even though I don't deserve another chance to help her, I want it so badly. It really is ridiculous. I mean look at me. I am Mr Bad-ass Catholic ex-Marine Detective and I crave approval and acceptance from someone other than my wife. But standing here with Liv right now, Kathy is forgotten. All I can think breath and feel is wrapped in the brown eyed woman standing brokenly in my grasp. Moving my hands ever so slightly up to her shoulders, I look into her eyes, begging access to whatever secret she is guarding.

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Don't do this El, I plead with my eyes. Don't you dare put us both in this situation. We aren't those people. You know that neither of us can win here so why start a battle we both know we are going to lose. You have your family and as much as I treasure this. ... this. ... whatever this is, I will not be that kind of girl. Not even for you.

"Please" I beg through a fresh batch of tears "Please El, just let me go. I need to go."

Looking into the eyes of the man that has consumed me for so many years I see what he is thinking before he ever even says it. . .Oh no. Please El no. Don't do this.

"God help me" he whispers "God help me I am going to hell for this." His hands come up to frame my face and I stop breathing.

"I am so sorry Liv. . I have to. .I can't help. .Please let me. . .please God help me." He says on a breath full of torment and longing. With another breath his lips crash into mine and he emits a groan of pure anguish.

This wasn't ever supposed to happen. Oh sweet mother of Christ, it feels like the world is ending. I guess it is. I can feel his lips grinding into mine. He's hurting so badly. The ground is dropping out from under me. I should be struck down for doing this. I am kissing him, I can't help it. I can live on this for the rest of my life. He will go home to his wife and I will do what I have to do.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I am going to hell! I know I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be standing here in this alley holding her and kissing her but with God as my witness I can't help it. I need her like I need air to breath. Gentling the kiss I move my attentions to her top lip. I trace it slowly with my tongue. Her body goes limp and melts into mine. Yes, she is giving in. The fire, oh god, the fire is going to eat us alive. It is coursing through my veins and seeping into hers.

Tracing the seam of her lips with the tip of my tongue, she shudders and opens. Snaking my tongue into her mouth I groan with pure male pleasure. Her tongue reaches timidly up to touch mine and with a low whimper I feel her arms come up and around my neck as she pushes herself closer to me, closer to the fire we are creating. God this feels so good. I am going to hell but what a glorious death it is going to be.

Hearing a sharp loud crack I raise my head to look at her. Seeing her eyes go wide I smile with masculine pride and guilt. Her arms fall slowly and she looks down, pressing her hands to her stomach. Her eyes come back up to search mine.

Time stops. She crumples in my arms. The blood comes. Yep, I am going to hell. Will I survive?


	9. Torture, Worry, Anxiety, Fear

**Disclaimer:**** Dick Wolf's mommy didn't teach him to share so they unfortunately aren't mine . . I just play with them**

**A/N:**** Here it is folks, the next chapter. As always love it or hate it let me know. HEHE Happy reading! **

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX--Captain Cragen--XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Torture. . Pure and simple, this is torture. . .My stomach is rolling, my hands are sweaty and my skin feels clammy. I wish I could catch my breath but I can't even seem to manage that. This was never supposed to happen to her. I was never supposed to be in this position. But here I am, waiting to hear if one of my best detectives, a woman whom I have grown to love like a daughter, was going to live or die. All eyes are watching another person very near and dear to our hearts walking around and helplessly wringing his hands. He is still covered in the blood of his best friend and partner. His heart is breaking and I am powerless to stop it.

I think I have always known that their connection is deeper than its outward projection. Their unspoken connection was so deep that it transcended speech. The complete conversations they had within the confines of simple glances were the talk of the entire NYPD. I know that some of Elliot and Kathy's problems were rooted in jealousy for just that reason. It hurts to see them in this position and not be able to stop it. I will never forget the shattered look in her eyes when she saw him with Dani after she returned from her undercover job. She was so full of excitement and hope and she couldn't wait to come back until she saw them. I watched the hurt wash over her as she tried valiantly to save herself from being found out. I knew then without a doubt that she was in love with him.

But whatever the reason of their arguments or absences, I have never seen Elliot Stabler look quite like this before. . .is it fear, something else, or a combination of both? Watching him silently pace the floor I hope and pray that he survives this. I know he will never forgive himself if she doesn't come through this alive. Thinking back over the past few hours I remember first and foremost that scream. I will never forget that scream. The seconds and minutes that followed were hectic and fueled by pure anger and adrenaline. I haven't run that hard since my track and field days back in high school. I can't believe we lost the perp. DAMN! I cant believe we lost him! I want nothing more than to fry that son of a bitch. Tomorrow I have to pow wow with the major case squad and Queens SVU to see who take her case. The commissioners forbid anyone in our unit from investigating her crime. I swear I never thought she would be the victim. I hear footsteps in the hall and turn my head towards the noise. A tall young man in his early to mid 30s walks into the room looking somber. I know he hold the answers to the questions we need answers.

Will we all survive what he has to say?

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX--Fin Tutuola--XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Worry.. pure, unadulterated, sick worry. . .I don't think I have ever worried this much about anyone in my life and that is saying something because of my boy. Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn! My hand hurts still from its confrontation with the cold brick wall of the alley after losing the perp that brought us here. Parts of me still can't believe that our baby girl, our Olivia, is lying somewhere in this sickeningly sterile place fighting for her life. It shouldn't have been her. Just wait until I find that sorry sack of shit that put her here.

The minutes following that unholy inhuman scream from the alley are forever emblazoned on my brain. That scream struck terror in all of us, even the oblivious patrons took notice of it. In its stark painful simplicity, it conveyed something that words could not. Something was so terribly wrong. It was a lucky break that it was in between songs where there was a rare silence in the club. Never as long as I live, will I forget the look on Elliot's face when we burst through the door as he sat awkwardly on the pavement holding Liv's limp, unconscious body. Any fool could see she was bleeding out all over the pavement.

He was holding her and rocking her body. All the while he had one hand over her stomach and was chanting over and over "This is not her fault. Stay with me Liv, Stay with me baby. NO NO NO."

The sick maniacal laugh followed by a "I got the bitch" caught my attention. In a split second I changed course and dashed madly toward the sound. That was when I caught sight of the perp, who upon seeing 4 armed men and three others burst into the alley, took off at a dead sprint. With Munch, Cap, and Dean nipping at my heels, I ran like fires of hell were on my heels after him.

Elliot, the poor bastard, is still pacing. The tension in this room is so thick that you can taste it. I hate that I can't do anything but sit and stare at my hands. She is the sister I never had. Without her this unit does not function, we all know it. She is the glue. Those weeks without her around were miserable for all of us. Damn Cap for bringing in that blond chick, she only made it worse.

Man! I just want to get back on the streets and figure out who did this and why. But I can't leave until I know one way or another which way this is going to swing.

"Hey man" I call quietly to Munch who is sitting closely to the place where Elliot is wearing ruts in the crappy carpet of the ER waiting room "Has he spoken to you at all yet?"

""No" he called back "He hasn't given any of us more than a grunt or a passing glance since we came in a few hours ago. It's getting kind of creepy. I have never seen him like this. I think maybe the nurses or doctors gave him something for shock. Talk about your conspiracies, I think they do it to make people forget what happens. They want to make our jobs harder."

"Damn Munch! You and all your stupid ass conspiracy theories man!" I say on a slow chuckle.

Someone needs a new pair of shoes I think to myself as I see a haggard man in some ugly ass shoes. My eyes roam upwards over a tall man in a white lab coat. He has answers, I know he does.

Can we take what comes next?

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX—John Munch--XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Anxiety . . . pure unfiltered anxiety. . If a conspiracy hasn't brought us here to this moment in our lives then I don't know what has. But, for once I know deep in my gut that I am right. I have never been more horrified in my whole entire life and it shows. All that blood. I don't think I will ever get over the sight of the two of them in that alley. He was clutching her madly, holding her body close to his with one arm and willing her to live. Or her limp body just laying there in his grasp unconscious and losing more and more blood by the second. He is still wearing her blood. He is positively covered in it.

Casey is sitting quietly beside me gripping my hand. She has clung as closely to me as she possibly could and honestly I am grateful. To think that she used to just be an annoying pain in my ass and now she is my best lunch buddy. Well next to Fin that is. She is smart, funny, talented, and hell on wheels in the courtroom. Looking at her I nudge her with my shoulder.

"You alright Case?" I ask softly.

She looks over at me with eyes full of tears, her heart in her eyes and I feel mine breaking as she utters the next words.

"She is my best friend John and I. . . I. . . .I don't know what I would do without her, what any of us would do without her really. She is the Elmer's between the popsicle sticks ya know?"

"Yea Case, I know." I say as I slide my hand out of her grasp and put it around her shoulders. She gratefully sinks into me. Heaven. I can't believe she is letting me touch her!

My mind flash back to the mad dash in the alley and my hand absently goes to the knot forming on the top of my skull. I can't believe the damn gun hit me. Who in the hell throws away the weapon and at the cops chasing them down a dark alley at that? I am just sorry the little prick got away. . but not for long. . oh no, not for long. Feeling Casey put the death grip on my free hand I look up as the tired doctor enters the room

I wonder if we can live with whatever news he carries?

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX--Elliot Stabler--XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Fear. . this is the purest, gut wrenching, mind consuming, acid tasting, heart stopping fear that I have ever felt in all my years. Nothing has ever come so close to breaking me. I thought the accident was scary but nothing will ever come as close to the agony of seeing her crumple in my arms and feeling the wetness of her blood soak into my clothes.

I think the sight of her blood leaving her body in long slow gushes will stay for me the rest of my life. I should have seen that creep. Why didn't I notice it before the shot broke my trance. There are simply not enough words in the English language to describe what it felt to hold Olivia Benson in my arms. Holding her closer to me, feeling her and tasting her, I suddenly knew without a doubt what my purpose in this world was. What my purpose in life was . . .it was like the sun breaking in the deepest darkest pits of hell.

That is what this is. . .. Hell, and it isn't anyone else's fault but my own for crossing that line. Had I not crossed it, I probably would have noticed the man lurking in the shadows waiting to take out my best friend, my heart. I would have known that the look in her eyes wasn't because of my adept knowledge of kissing. I hate being helpless but what else could you call just sitting there and shaking like a leaf while the woman you are in love with bleeds to death before your very eyes. Years of military training and fighting with some of the finest men in the country in the Marine Corps and all I could do was put a limp hand against the hole in her gut oozing bright red blood and chant for her to hang on. I pleaded with God and begged him not to take her, not to make her pay for my wrongs. Looking down at myself I cringe at the sight and state of my clothes, and the quantity of blood that covers them. I am wearing her blood. Man, I am such a screw up. I have let her down so many times and now. . .after this. . .well if she dies I will never forgive myself.

Good God! Where in the world is that doctor?! Why won't someone tell me anything?! Please god don't take her. . Don't you dare punish her for my sins. I cannot live in this world knowing that she isn't in it somewhere. Please don't take her from me, not when I finally figured out just what I am supposed to do. Let me make it up to her. Let me make it up to you and my family. Please.. . .oh god .. please. .

Hearing the slow clanking steps draw closer I lift my eyes from the ruts in the floor where I have been pacing here at Mercy General for 6 solid hours. Seeing the tall haggard man step into the room my heart stops beating. This is the moment of truth. . Will I survive what he has to say? I hope so. I hear the sharp indrawn breaths around the room as our anticipation and anxiety build. Please, I pray silently one more time, please let her be ok.

He clears his throat and draws himself to his full height. "The party for a Detective Benson?" he asks inquisitively. Everyone rises and looks at him anxiously. Seeing them all stand he walks over to where they are all gathered.

"Hello. I need to know if there is an Elliot Stabler here. He is listed as Ms. Bensons next of kin."

It is the moment of truth. . . .Can I handle it?


	10. Answer's Aftermath

**A/N:**** You guys make me smile. I love hearing what you think of the story. I am going to try to get this thing finished before we move at the end of the week. Keep it up guys. Hopefully you like the twists coming up in the road. What happens next? BWAHAHAHAHAH Happy reading!  
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**DISCLAIMER: If they were mine I wouldn't have to fantasize about story lines. .. they belong to Dick Wolf and he doesn't feel like letting them come out to play**

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"Hello. I need to know if there is an Elliot Stabler here among you. He is listed as Ms. Benson's next of kin. I can't really give out any information without his consent."

That's me, he thought to himself while he was choking back the bile rising quickly in his throat. He ran his shaky hands, still covered in her blood, through his hair. He reluctantly stepped forward, before quickly and briefly fixing Dean with a nasty glare, before hesitantly lifting his hand in the air.

"I'm Elliot Stabler. How is she? Is she. .Is she. . "He asked on a shaky breath. He was not quite able to bring himself to say the word dead. He continued forward, only taking a couple of more steps. In a silent plea to the doctor, he turned his palms out before continuing.

"Doctor Hedgeman" he started after reading his nametag "What can you tell me about Liv. . please tell me something. ." his voice became louder and more urgent and he suddenly flew toward the doctor grabbing his necktie and violently jerking him forward before continuing his tirade.

"Well spit it out man! Are you deaf or something? Do you not understand English? Why don't you just do your job and tell me how she is doing . . . You have to tell me how she is, that paper I signed says so. . I am all she has. . . Why the hell are you looking at me like that man? "He demanded with a vicious scowl just seconds before a flustered Fin and an overly stressed out and worried Captain Don Cragen extricated the young doctor from his grasp.

Giving him an apologetic glance and a pleading look, he and Fin managed to drag Elliot back a few steps. All the while he was whispering in low comforting tones to his detective who was on the verge.

"Elliot please give the poor man a chance to do his job." Don pleaded with him with Fin hovering at his elbow. "He is probably over worked and over tired just like us and needs a few minutes to get his thoughts together. Give the man a chance son." With that he placed a comforting hand on Elliot's broad shoulder and turned back to face the worn doctor.

No one in the room took notice of Special Agent in Charge Dean Porter who was lurking around the edges of the in the room completely away from the rest of the party. He was lost deep in the recesses of his mind running circles around his own thoughts about what lay ahead. He wished they had more manpower to work this investigation. When he was just a green recruit in the FBI, he was told that inevitably there would be one case in his career that would make or break him. The best way, they told him, was to stay as detached as possible. He couldn't help it though. This was personal. She was here because of him. He had no idea they were even being watched. He had made a lot of enemies in Oregon. So had she for that matter. For now all he could do was his job and hope against all hope that he remained unscathed and survived what he had done to these people when this was all over. He prayed it would be soon.

Looking up at his companions, who stood close to the doctor watching him with anxious eyes, he slipped quietly from the room and made his way to the nurses' station where he leaned down and starting talking in hushed tones. He only stopped every few seconds to make sure no one was listening or watching them before continuing on. A few minutes later he slipped back into the ER waiting room satisfied but sick with what he had just done, to catch the tail end of the doctors' diagnosis and explanation. Catching his eye he gave him a small jerky nod that no one else but he, 

Cragen, and the doctor comprehended or gave any thoughts to. Catching his breath the doctor continued on.

"What I can tell you is this folks. Ms. Benson sustained a single gunshot wound to the back which entered in between the seventh and eighth thoracic spinal vertebrae and passed through her liver before exiting below the ribcage in her abdomen. I found no bullet which means it was a through and through. I was able to successfully repair the damage to the spinal cord but the liver proved to be much harder. We inserted a foley catheter to stem the flow and attempt to help the liver repair itself. While in surgery Ms. Benson coded. . "He was suddenly cut off by a strangled cry tearing itself from Casey's lungs. She had sunk to the ground and was cowering in the corner. She was clinging helplessly to Munch like he was her life raft in the middle of a stormy sea.

All eyes riveted powerlessly to Elliot whose handsome face had gone a ghostly white. He was now standing stark straight at attention, with his hands clutched at his side in a way that would've made his drill instructors proud. Releasing a shaky sigh he began "So she's. . . she's. . she's. . .OH GOD NO!"

Watching the scene unfold from his slightly darkened corner, Dean stood quietly gazing at the man who was her world. He looked from one member of her "family" to another knowing that they would all hate him. He again lifted his eyes to the gods and prayed for forgiveness from these people for what was to come next. He hated having to do this to them even though there was no other way. He had to admit, however sick it sounded, that he got a special kind of perverse amusement out of making Elliot Stabler suffer in any way he could.

The stories Olivia had told him of the man standing before him had infuriated him. He and Olivia, or Persephone back then, had grown close over the months they had spent together collaborating on her undercover case in Oregon. Even though she had never spoken those words to him, he knew that the man and the rest of the people before him were her world. He had known, without a doubt by the faraway look in her eyes every time she talked about her presumptuous tyrannical hot headed partner, that she loved him, was deeply in love with him. He would never even come close to Elliot Stabler in her eyes and that fact alone infuriated him. It was alright though, he held the upper hand right now and the thought made him want to laugh. It was sick, he knew that, but in his eyes it was the only form of revenge he could ever have, in the line of duty or otherwise.

"Mr. Stabler you didn't let me finish. Ms. Benson coded twice while she was in surgery but with the help of my excellent team, we were able to shock her out of cardiac arrest and back into a normal rhythm for a few more minutes giving me time to finish the necessary repairs and close and suture the wounds. She lost a lot of blood but her vitals were nearing stability when I came out to update you about her condition and her surgery."

A young nurse shyly entered the room and smiled at Dean before speaking up. "Excuse me Dr. Hedgeman, I hate to interrupt you but I need to speak with you immediately sir." With that she stood aside and let him precede her into the hallway. They carried on a brief conversation before he slipped back into the room looking more tired and harassed than he had only seconds before.

"So tell me SIR where is she?" Elliot ground out in a harsh choked tone. "When can I see her? She needs me! Damn it all I should be there with her. So when can I see her, when can any of us see her, Doctor Hedgeman?"

"I am sorry Mr. Stabler but you can't see Ms. Benson, it is impossible." The young doctor replied. In a split second the legendary "Un" Stabler made his grand reappearance for the second time that evening. In the blink of an eye, Elliot had the poor doctor clutched in his mad grip and lifted several feet off of the cold tiles of the ER waiting room floor. His strength, which was ordinarily pretty great, was only heightened by the force of the fear, anguish, and the other emotions coursing through him.

"And do tell me oh benevolent Dr Hedgeman . " he grated out in an eerily calm voice "just who is going to stop me?"

Quickly finding the pressure point on the older man's hand, the Dr pushed it causing Elliot to relax his hold just long enough for him to slip out of his grasp. He took a quick few steps back. Straightening his tie he looked up at the tall man with deep blue eyes with his best poker face in place before he straightened himself to his full height and locked his gaze into Elliot's before said in a slow even tone " You misunderstand Mr. Stabler. The reason you can't see Ms. Benson is because she isn't here."

"What do you mean she isn't here? You said that she . . .you told us that she. . What is your game you filthy little vermin?" He said as his voice rose. "If I find out that you are messing with me, so help me god, I will have your job you prick. I will make your life miserable. Now tell me where she is and you better pray it's the right answer."

"The reason you can't see her because she is gone Mr. Stabler. Gone as in Ms. Benson is no longer with us." the doctor stated evenly. He was proud of himself, proud that he got it out without losing a limb. He was going straight to the fiery pits of hell for this. He took a pitying look at the ghostly white faced man before him. This went against everything he believed in, but those oaths he took had no bearing on the circumstances that were laid at his feet nearly seven hours ago.

He had split seconds to react as Elliot made a grab for his service pistol crying the words "NO NO NO" in an inhuman voice full of pure pain, anguish, and hopelessness. He made it three steps before he was completely surrounded by Fin, Munch, Chester, Cragen, Dean, and the Dr., their thoughts momentarily riveted to the man in front of them.

His hysterical, wild eyed, maniacal stance scared them all. Leveling his gun at the Dr., he grated out between hard labored breaths "You. . . You just let her die . . . she is gone and someone has to fix this. Fix you."

Nobody ever saw it coming. Before they could blink, his eyes rolled toward the ceiling and he promptly fell in a broken heap at their feet.

This was going to be a LOOOONNNGGGG night, Dr. Hedgeman thought to himself. Glancing up he caught the eyes Special Agent Porter and gave him a quick nod, turning slightly toward the Captain, he gave him a knowing look before squatting down on his haunches. He bent to Detective Stabler and quickly slid his gun out of his limp grasp and handed it to his waiting colleague. Silently praying that karma didn't come back to bite him in the ass, leaned back over intent on checking his pulse.

No one noticed the puddle of blood on the floor growing by the second.


	11. The Song Remembers When

_**A/N**_** : I bet you guys have been wondering what is going on in my sick little mind. Let's see shall we? Thanks for all of the wonderful reviews! Love it or hate it let me know. The song is Still Holding Out For You by SHeDAISY  
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**Disclaimer****: I do not own these characters . . . they are just pawns in my plot line.**

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Three days later, lying in a stark sterile hospital bed in a shabby isolated room, Elliot's world came crashing back in on him with a painful vengeance. A tortured and painful groan tore from his lips as he attempted to open his eyes. He began to blink rapidly in an attempt to clear the haze that was clouding his vision. He brought his right hand to his face and was surprised to find it brought a wrenching pain from his torso. He brought his left hand over to investigate. He ran his left hand over his torso to find it wrapped tight which struck him as odd.

He wondered what in the world had happened. His left hand continued its journey up to find his right hand only to find that his hand was neatly bandaged. As his eyes began clearing, by small increments every second, he started to take in his surroundings. He quietly took in the white paneled ceiling, the sterile white walls, hideous curtains even his grandmother would be embarrassed of, and a smell he would recognize anywhere. He was in a hospital and looking down it looked as if he had been here for more than a few minutes too. The question was WHAT he was doing here and what the hell happened to put him here.

"Can someone please tell me what in the hell is going on here?!" he roared bringing four pairs of startled eyes around the corner.

"Elliot, man, you scared the hell out of us!" a sheepish Lake said as he slowly came inching in the door with a reluctant Finn, Munch, and Cragen in tow.

"Yea man, easy does it. You . . . .uh. . .don't. . . uh. . Happen to have any blunt objects or sharp things lying close by do you?" Finn laughed nervously doing a double take before walking slowly and cautiously forward."They did check your bed right."

"What the hell is wrong with you people? Quit acting so damn weird. Who poisoned your Wheaties this morning? Can one of you find it in your CRAZY minds to tell me why the hell am I in the hospital? How about telling me what happened to me?" he was cut off mid tirade by a loud growl that was being emitted from his stomach which was evidently protesting its complete lack of food.

"Do you guys; uh think I can, uh, get something to eat by any chance?"He asked sheepishly.

Cragen advanced on him like a rifleman leading a charge and quickly leaned over him to check his head. "Elliot are you ok? Don't you remember what happened?" After seeing the blank look and utter confusion play across Elliot's face like symphony that a composer forgot to write down, he leaned over and pushed the call button.

"Nurse do you think you can get Dr Hedgeman please. I think we might have a problem."

"Yes sir Mr. Cragen I will page him right away, he should be there momentarily."

Seconds later Dr Hedgeman and an assortment of nurses filed into Elliot's room forcing Cragen, Finn, Munch, and Lake out into the hallway. Twenty minutes later a worried looking Dr Hedgeman appeared in the doorway and heaved a huge sigh. Exiting the room completely he came to stand before the four men.

"I don't know what to tell you guys. I can't really release any information to you until I speak to his next of kin or get his permission first. My nurse is calling his wife right now to make sure it is ok that I tell you."

For the next 10 minutes they stood awkwardly in the hallway with only the sounds of Elliot raising hell with the nurses and medical staff that had remained in his room. A few more seconds later, a harassed looking young woman who was sweating joined them in the hall and gave them their answer. "Sir Mr. Stabler said they were privy to any information regarding his health. But that was only after he knocked Bill over when we didn't tell HIM what was wrong. That man is mean as a snake and does NOT like being poked. I have to go put his IV back in. He tore the other out. Gentlemen, if you will excuse me." She said as she went back into the room.

"Ok now that I have his consent, I will document it for future reference. I can tell you that this is an unexpected complication that we could have never foreseen happening. I never even imagined that finding out about Ms. Benson would cause something of this magnitude. I can see now that their connection was and is everything I had heard about." Upon seeing their puzzled looks he quickly added

"My nurse and Kathy Stabler are friends. I have happened on many conversations about the subject of Ms Benson and Elliot and their infamous eye conversations. Although I can't 100 tell you medically that it was the news about Ms Benson that caused this."

"Doc, cut the crap, what's up with Elliot? Is he going to be ok?" Munch asked breaking his silence.

"Oh yeah. . So sorry guys." he added looking more than a little embarrassed. "You will have to forgive me; I am on hour 36 of a 48 shift. My reflexes aren't that fast anymore and I am prone to ramble and digress. Mr. Stabler is suffering from what we call retrograde amnesia and we believe that because of all of the trauma he experienced the past few days, he has successfully blocked out anything and everything that happened 3 and a half days ago with Ms Bensons shooting and the subsequent events that followed including the incident where he injured his hand."'

"So wait" Cragen spoke up "you mean to tell me Elliot has no memory what so ever of what happened in the alley when Olivia was shot or collapsing in the hospital OR breaking his meal table when he came to the next day or of being shot himself OR being out for the next two days. What are we supposed to do? I mean how are we supposed to tell him and make him go through that hell again? Olivia is or was a part of him; I don't think he can survive losing her again. You saw what it did to him the first time and I can't be responsible for hurting him that way ever again. "

"Calm down Captain Cragen. The good news is that Mr. Stabler should regain his memory. However, the bad news is that we have no way of telling how long that will take. We advise that you let him make the connections on his own and do nothing to force it. Patients with retrograde amnesia usually feel stressed out or embarrassed about not remembering so it is important not to let anything slip and let him come to you. It is extremely vital to his recovery that you let him go at his own pace. We have some music playing for him right now to relax him. If at all possible, we want to keep from sedating him anymore than we already have. His wife just called and said she would be by in about half an hour after the baby sitter got there and to pass the message along to you guys. Give Mr. Stabler about 5 minutes then you can go back in." he said with a nod then turned to walk back to the nearby nurses station.

Meanwhile, back inside the recently vacated room, Elliot leaned back into his pillows and sighed. Nothing made sense. Why was he here? What happened to his hand? Why was his torso bandaged up? How long had he been here? and why was everyone acting so weird? Where the hell was Liv? It was so unlike her to not be here. Closing his eyes he heard the first strains of yet another song that the doctor insisted he listen to in order to "relax". But really, he thought to himself, who can relax when you have no idea what is going on around you? What the heck though, he thought, why not indulge. After all it didn't look like he was going anywhere anytime soon. Settling down he began to pay attention as the first words of the song began.

_**Never thought I'd be in this place**_

_**It's someone else's life I'm living**_

_**Wish i were living a lie T**_

_**he hardest part is when the bough breaks**_

_**Falling down and then forgiving**_

_**You didn't kiss me good-bye**_

_**I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say**_

_**And pray I get the chance one day**_

_xXXx FLASHBACK xXXx _

_Masking his emotions in his "worry", he turns the handle and steps out into the alley. Turning he slowly closes the door to mute the click and prays she didn't hear him come out._

"_Liv, where are you? Talk to me baby." He says. He hears muted sobs. Anger and fear fill his veins and he turns just as he hears her._

"_Over here." She whispers._

"What the hell was that?" he wondered out loud and shook his head from side to side in an attempt to clear it.

_**I still run, I still swing open the door**_

_**I still think, you'll be there like before **_

_**Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around **_

_**Some thing's heart won't listen to **_

_**I'm still holding out for you**_

_xXXx FLASHBACK xXXx_

"_Talk to me Liv. Don't do this. I can help you" I beg her._

_I feel her start to melt just before she pushes my hand away. I think she is doing it in a last ditch effort to save herself. It must mean I am getting to close._

"_Don't do it, don't you dare touch me ELLIOT! You don't have the right; you threw away whatever right you had when you got her pregnant. All you do is hurt me dammit! "She yelled as pushed him away and rose quickly. Caught off guard by her exclamation he lost his balance and fell. Seeing her opening and taking it, Olivia steps around him and starts quickly towards the door. That door would also take her back to the sanctuary of the noisy bar. However, her brisk walk isn't quick enough _

__

_**I can hear you smile in the dark I can even feel your breathing**_

_**But daylight chases the ghosts I see your coat and I fall apart **_

_**To those hints of you I'm clinging **_

_**Now's when I need them most **_

_**I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead **_

_**At least that's what you would have said**_

"You have got to be kidding me!" he says a little louder. "What the hell?"

_**I still run, I still swing open the door**_

_**I still think, you'll be there like before **_

_**Doesn't everybody know to never come around **_

_**Some thing's heart won't listen to **_

_**I'm still holding out for you**_

_xXXx FLASHBACK xXXx_

_Time stops. She falls. The blood comes._

_**Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep **_

_**It's the the only true comfort I feel**_

_ooooooooooooooooooooo__**FLASHBACK**__ooooooooooooooooooooooo_

"_God help me" he whispers "God help me I am going to hell for this." His hands come up to frame my face and I stop breathing._

"_I am so sorry Liv. . I have to. .I can't help. .Please let me. . .please God help me." He says on a breath full of torment and longing. With another breath his lips crash into mine and he emits a groan of pure anguish._

_This wasn't ever supposed to happen. Oh sweet mother of Christ, it feels like the world is ending. I guess it is. I can feel his lips grinding into mine. He's hurting so badly. The ground is dropping out from under me. I should be struck down for doing this. I am kissing him, I can't help it. I can live on this for the rest of my life. He will go home to his wife and I will do what I have to do. _

_I am going to hell! I know I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be standing here in this alley holding her and kissing her but with God as my witness I can't help it. I need her like I need air to breath. Gentling the kiss I move my attentions to her top lip. I trace it slowly with my tongue. Her body goes limp and melts into mine. Yes, she is giving in. The fire, oh god, the fire is going to eat us alive. It is coursing through my veins and seeping into hers. _

_Tracing the seam of her lips with the tip of my tongue, she shudders and opens. Snaking my tongue into her mouth I groan with pure male pleasure. Her tongue reaches timidly up to touch mine and with a low whimper I feel her arms come up and around my neck as she pushes herself closer to me, closer to the fire we are creating. God this feels so good. I am going to hell but what a glorious death it is going to be._

_Hearing a sharp loud crack I raise my head to look at her. Seeing her eyes go wide I smile with masculine pride and guilt. Her arms fall slowly and she looks down, pressing her hands to her stomach. Her eyes come back up to search mine._

_Time stops. She crumples in my arms. The blood comes._

"No it can't be, I've never. . .I mean we've never. . . " he chants to himself over and over "Liv. . .oh god. . . .Liv. . .Liv. . Liv" he still chants with his eyes closed as the memories flood him. The shooting, the hospital, the meal table.

"NO NO NO NO" he yells bringing Munch, Finn, Lake, Cragen, and Dr Hedgeman running.

_xXXx FLASHBACK xXXx_

_"The reason you can't see her because she is gone Mr. Stabler. Gone as in Ms. Benson is no longer with us." _

The sight that met their eyes when they burst into his room both shocked and humbled them. There sitting in the middle of his bed with his knees up under his chin and his arms wrapped around them rocking back and forth was Elliot Stabler. . . . . crying and not even attempting to hide it.

_**I still run, I still swing open the door **_

_**I still think, you'll be there like before**_

_**I still run, I still swing open the door **_

_**I still think, you'll be there like before **_

_**Doesn't everybody know to never come around **_

_**Some thing's heart won't listen to I'm still holding out for you**_

The mighty Elliot Stabler had fallen.


	12. Steps of St Michaels

**_Disclaimer:_ They aren't man. They belong to a man by the name of Dick Wolf and his mommy didn't teach him to share.  
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Today was the day, the day he had been coldly dreading for almost a week. On the front steps of St Michael's he stood lost, dejected, and alone. Liv being gone wasn't the only life altering thing that had happened in the past 10 days. Shoving his hands in his pockets, Elliot sighed and let the memories wash over him. Anything, he thought to himself, to put off going inside if only for a few minutes longer.

He thought back to the day his memory came back. He should have been ashamed at how his colleagues found him that day. He was crying un-ashamedly on his hospital bed but they were also his friends and could understand why he was doing it. They all had a connection with Liv, but they all also knew that he and Liv had one they couldn't touch or comprehend. It was special. After they had left a cold and distant Kathy came into his room. He would never forget the words that she spoke next. They had shattered anything he had once or ever felt for her. They shattered what was left of his heart and soul. They had taken what little he had left and left ashes in their wake.

_**xXXXXXXXXXXXXXx FLASHBACK xXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx**_

"_So I guess you are going to curl up and forget us now aren't you Elliot." She had asked_

"_What are you talking about Kath? Where have you been? I needed you."_

"_That is a fine question coming from you Elliot Stabler. Where I have been is none of your concern, I heard some of the details of your shooting Elliot. I know where you were and I have an idea why. I will tell you this. I am glad that bitch is gone. I tried not to hate her Elliot I really did but even a blind person could tell you loved her. Maybe now that she is gone you can go back to being with your children and your wife. You belong to me Elliot. You always have and I refuse to share you with anyone else especially not with the ghost of your precious Olivia. Make your decision El, what's it going to be. Would you rather have your precious memories of that tramp or your family?"_

"_Olivia is NOT a tramp!" He yelled."I am so tired of repeating myself Kathy. Olivia and I have never done anything like that. She is my partner and my best friend. She kept me together when we were separated. Hell Kathy she even saved your life and Eli's too! You can't keep blaming her. She has done nothing wrong. Olivia is someone I know I can count on, someone we can count on. She saved your life."_

"_You are forgetting something Elliot."_

"_What?"_

"_She's dead El. Gone. She is one of the dearly departed. I can't take being second best anymore El. It isn't fair to me."_

"_Isn't fair to you? What about what was fair to me? What about what I wanted? I don't recall ever getting a choice Kathy. If I had I would never have. . ."_

"_Never have what? Come home? "_

" _I was just figuring things out what I wanted and where I wanted to be and then you got pregnant."_

"_I didn't get pregnant by myself you know. It takes two." She interrupted him angrily. "What had you just figured out El?"_

"_Quit calling me that! Only she calls me that. I had just figured out what I was supposed to do and that I lo. . that I lov. . "_

"_That you loved her? That you loved Olivia?"_

"_Yes, that I love her. She has never tried to change me Kathy. I was always just fine the way I was to her. I was angry and hateful and spiteful and she still came to work every day. She still had my back."_

"_So that is how it's going to be? Elliot she is dead. She isn't coming back."_

"_I know that Kathy but it doesn't change that I love her. You should have someone who loves you so much that it completes you, calms you, and lets you grow. We stopped growing together a long time ago. Somewhere along the way we stopped loving and simply started to just exist together. The best thing I can do for any of us now is to let you go. Find someone who makes you happy Kath."_

"_You son of a bitch. Do you think it's that easy? Do you think I will just let you walk away. I wasted 20 years of my life Elliot. 20 years I can't get back."_

_"I am sorry Kath. It has to be this way. We would never be happy any other way."_

"_You mean you wouldn't be happy any other way. Fine. Have it your way. My lawyer will be in touch."_

_He gave her a slight nod in acceptance. She turned to leave and as she opened the door she turned and tossed out the words that shattered his remaining heart. _

"_Just don't expect to see your kids anytime soon."_

Man how life had changed. Just two weeks ago he was sitting across from her having coffee and joking. Now here he was standing outside of this church fighting with reality. If he went inside it was real and he couldn't take it yet. Yep, as long as he stood out here everything would be ok. He could pretend that his world hadn't lost all color or meaning. He glanced down at his shoes and began kicking a pebble around. He was startled out of his trance moments later.

"Hey daddy!" he heard and snapped his head up. The sight that greeted his uplifted face brought tears to his eyes. Standing before him were four of his five children and nothing could have been more beautiful. . Well her being here could have made it better.

"Mo, Lizzie, Dickie, Kathleen, what are you doing here? Your mother said that you guys. . . "

"Dad relax, we are old enough to decide for ourselves how we spend our time. There isn't a judge in the state who would forbid us from seeing you. "Maureen said stepping forward and grasping her father's hand.

"Yeah dad we aren't babies anymore." Dickie said on a grin "Besides we heard the Stabler distress signal and turned out in force."

"I love you guys. I don't think I tell you that enough. I wish I were a better father. One that you guys really deserved. I don't deserve any of you little treasures." He said smiling half heartedly.

"You have been the best dad we could have ever asked for. We always knew you loved us daddy even when you couldn't say it. It's us who don't deserve you. I don't think you have ever realized it but you are our world. We love you so much. That's why we all came daddy. You have been there for us our whole lives and now its our turn." Kathleen said stepping forward to kiss her father on the cheek.

"I know I always took mom's side but daddy I loved her too. We all loved her. It isn't going to be the same anymore is it daddy?" Lizzie asked gazing up at her father with wet eyes.

"No baby girl it isn't. Nothing is ever going to be the same again." He said sucking in a deep breath. "You kids should go on inside and get a seat. Don and the guys are already inside."

"Aren't you coming ?"

"I will in a minute baby. I just needed to get some air."

Waving the rest of her siblings on inside, Maureen hung back. "You haven't been in yet have you?"

Shaking his head violently he said "Not yet. I just can't do it Mo. I can't go in there. If I do shes . . shes really. .I just can't yet baby."

"Ok daddy, we will save you a seat."

Leaning over he kissed her forehead and playfully swatted her bottom, a reluctant smile coming to his face as he watched her slip inside. He turned around and faced the busy street in front of him. Sinking back into his thoughts he became oblivious to the world around him. He didn't even hear the Captain calling him. He did, however, feel the hand Don placed on his shoulder seconds later.

"Elliot, son, it's time. Come on I'll walk in with you."

"Don I don't think I can do this."

"We are all here Elliot. You CAN do this. You are Elliot Stabler. She needs you"

"Ok"

They turned and walked into the church entering just in time to hear the end of the commissioner's speech.

"No one knew her better inside or out that her partner Elliot Stabler. They were one of the NYPDs best pair of detectives' and their solve rate was unprecedented in their unit and one of the top in 

department history. No one knew her better, no one fought with her more, and no one was closer to her. At this time we would like to ask her partner, Elliot Stabler, to come say a few words."

He froze. All he could do was stand there and stare at the academy picture they had blown up and placed up front near the casket. Something wasn't right here. He felt it in his bones. Now that he thought about it, it hadn't been right since they told him she was gone. A small something was niggling at the back of his mind demanding to be heard. Captain Cragen propelled him forward and up to the podium. He glanced sideways and saw the picture. The picture of them at Dickie's soccer game, she had her arm around Dickie and Kathleen was tucked neatly under the other. He was hovering behind her with a goofy grin on his face. He remembered that day. He had pleaded with her to stop by his sons game for a few minutes so he could watch him play. The kids missed her, he had said. She gave in and it turned out to be another special memory he filed away in his mind. It was tucked neatly away in fantasies and filed under Olivia Benson. She fit in every aspect of his life. It was then he realized that she couldn't possibly be dead.

"Liv, isn't dead." He stated evenly to the crowd in front of him. He stepped down off of the platform and slowly descended the stairs toward his children and friends. "Guys you have to listen to me. Liv isn't dead I know it. I wouldn't be here if she were. Don't you get it. Im ok so that means she is too. Quit looking at me like that Don."

"Elliot listen. This isn't the time or place for this son. You need to. . . "

He never got to finish his sentence. A loud explosion rocked the church and knocked them all flat.

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**A/N: So folks whatcha think? Is she or isn't she dead? I dont know. .youll have to wait until the next chapter or two to find out. BUT I am in the process of moving so it will be about a week before I can update. Leave me lots of love. . encouragement is a great motivator . . love it or hate it let me know**


	13. Dust and Debris

**Disclaimer: they aren't mine sadly. they are just victims of my imagination**

**A/N: Where did you guys go? Here is the next chapter my lovelies! I hop you like it. The big question is. .is she dead or isn't she? Love it or hate it let me know!**

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The dust and debris were overwhelmingly choking, even in the massive cathedral of St Michaels. His first thoughts were of his children. He rolled to his side and found that he was trapped not only by a piece of wood , which he was sure was a part of the podium he had just stood behind moments before, was the arm of his friend.

"Don." He said upon freeing his arm and shaking the man. "Don come on wake up! Don't do this man. Don. Don. Don"

"Elliot, would you do me a favor, and please quit shaking me for the love of Christ?!" The older man ground out. "My head feels like it is going to implode and my ears are ringing. Is everyone ok? "

"FINN? MUNCH? LAKE?" he bellowed

"We are over here Cap! Tell Stabler his kids are ok would ya?!"

"KIDS?! KIDS?! Talk to me!" Elliot called.

"Daddy?! We are here daddy. Dickie, Kathleen, and Lizzie are here with me too dad. They are ok daddy" Maureen shouted above the sound of screams and falling debris and now sirens.

"Stay where you are babies." He shouted. "Don't move a muscle until someone clears you. Do you hear me kids?"

"Yes daddy!" they all chorused.

"Don, what does this mean? Who would want to do this?" he asked the man lying next to him.

"I don't know Elliot but you can bet I will find out." He said deliberately. "PORTER! . . . .PORTER!. . . . PORTER!. . .You son of a bitch I know you are in here and I swear to you the second I get up I am after you like white on rice. You said. . "Captain Cragen bellowed.

He was cut off by the loud squeals of sirens as they drew to a halt in front of the sanctuary. Slews of law enforcement officers, firemen, rescue squad, and paramedics filed in and began to assess the many injuries that the blast had left in its wake. They all quickly divided themselves into teams and sectioned off the sanctuary into smaller parts so they could get to the injured quickly and more efficiently. A primary assessment was made by the fire department and police had told the rescue teams that the scene was secure and that they could start their tedious work.

Slowly but methodically the teams did their work and herded their victims outside to either give their statements to the police or to be loaded into the waiting ambulances and taken to the hospital to be treated for whatever injury or ailment they had. The team that was to cover the front 8 pews on the left hand side had their hands full. The Stabler children were the first to be assessed. Among their injuries were cuts and bruises and two particularly nasty gashes which required stitches.

"Come on Ms Stabler. We need to get you and your brother and sisters out to the ambulance to be further assessed and give your statement. We also need to get some stitches in that gash on your arm ma'am." The paramedic said.

"Yes sir." She replied with a sibling under each arm and her brother hovering close behind." Can you make sure to tell our father where we are? He is up at the front of the church with Grandpa Don . . . I'm sorry. . Captain Cragen and the guys."

"Yes ma'am. I will. Uh. What is your father's name ma'am?" he asked quizzically.

"Stabler. Elliot Stabler sir." Maureen replied.

"Wait a second. YOUR father is Elliot Stabler. THE Elliot Stabler?" he asked.

"Why yes." Lizzie chuckled. " I take it you have heard of him huh."

"Who hasn't? He and his partner are legends in our circles. She will be missed." He replied. "This can't be easy on him losing her and then this happening on today of all days. Stand right here for a few seconds while I tell Jim." With that he left them standing there as he walked a few steps away to talk to who they assumed was Jim. After a quick nod from both men, he turned back to them and walked them out of the door to the waiting menagerie at the bottom of the stairs.

Back at the front of the church the rescue workers and finally pulled Elliot and Don out of the rubble and the wreckage that now covered the front of the church. After preliminary assessments they were both herded to the back of the church and into a small room off of the front entrance of the church where they were immediately ensconced in men in immaculate dark suits. They were drawn forward so quickly that neither noticed the empty casket which now lay in shattered pieces on the cold hard floor.

Further into the room they both immediately saw a familiar face looming along the far edge of the wall. Elliot just stood there baffled as his Captain advanced with menacing ferocity and jerked the younger man into his grasp and onto his toes.

"Porter you better have a REAL good explanation for this." He growled.

"Easy there Don. Do you want the good news first or the bad news?" he asked shakily.

"Porter you just put hundreds of innocent people at risk and nearly got people killed. That bomb damn near killed me and Stabler, not to mention nearly took out ALL of my detectives. My unit can't operate unless I have detectives. So let me see sonny all of this amounts to bad news. What could be worse than what you have already made me do?" Cragen continued to grate out although he had relinquished his grasp on the younger man.

"Well Don the good news is that we now know for certain who was after Liv. The bad news is that he got away from my agents and is now as we speak on the run with New York's finest hot on his tail. This son of a bitch is slippery Don so pray and pray hard. If we catch him then this will almost be over. Life could go back to normal again." He said evenly while shoving his hands deep into his dark suit pants.

"Wait a minute now just wait one minute. What are you guys talking about? You call this normal? You call getting blown up at my partners funeral good fucking news? Have you guys lost your minds? This isn't good news. What is wrong with you guys? "He bellowed. " You are all crazy! I have served with some of this country's' finest fighters and I have never come across something so vile and twisted. Liv is dead and you guys are making jokes!"

"Elliot you need to calm down." Dean reasoned.

"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!" he yelled while shoving his finger up under Dean's nose.

"Elliot you need to back off. This isn't the time or place for your outburst. Take a seat son and we will explain as best as we can." Don said.

"I don't understand sir."

"Elliot, Olivia's shooting wasn't an accident. It was pre meditated. It seems that while she was undercover she was discovered before we could pull her out. By successfully infiltrating the ECO organization without being discovered she made a very powerful man angry. Instead of sending a hit man however, he came himself." And at seeing both Elliot and Don's looks he continued. "That's right we have indentified Olivia's assailant. .I mean killer. Our sources had led us in this direction since she was shot but it wasn't confirmed until a couple of hours ago. It was Oliver Sims. That's right Oliver Sims."

"So if he already got her why the bomb?" Elliot asked but was quickly pushed aside by Captain Cragen.

A quiet look passed between Cragen and Porter. They both cast a wary glance at Elliot before receding further into the room to talk some more. Cragen was the first to speak.

"So what does this mean? Do they know?"

"It's possible and that could be why he planted the bomb. It was taped to the underside to the casket. They just brought it this morning. We had hoped that he would be stupid enough to make this kind of silly mistake. He was hiding upstairs watching the whole thing. The slimy little bastard slipped out the back before some of my guys were able to detain him."

"So he is still out there somewhere. This isn't good Porter. So help me . . . if you don't get him I will take you apart piece by piece. I want you to look at that man over there. Look at what this is doing to him. He is destroyed. I did NOT do this so you could play a little game with that man!"

"I promise you Don we will get him. I am sorry for all of this. We never even thought they found out about her. I swear to you if we had even suspected they knew about her we would have pulled her out of there so fast her head would have spun."

"Fix this Dean. Fix it now or I will."

And with that he spun on his heel and stormed out of the small room grabbing Elliot on his way out. They exited the church to be absorbed into the mob of police and rescue workers. Two hours later after they had been seen by the paramedics and given their statements to the waiting police officers, they piled into Elliot's unmarked squad car and pointed the wheel toward the familiar confines of the sixteenth precinct. Reaching the parking garage Don leaned forward and cut the engine.

"Elliot I had them bring the kids here. I knew would want to see them so I pulled some strings and after being checked out I had the guys pick them up and bring them here. I know this has been a hard day son, for you more than most. But well, I also had something in my office that I was sworn to give you. As soon as you see your kids and get that envelope I will take you home."

"Ok sir."

They both exited the car and made their way inside. The sight that met Elliot's tired eyes as he made his way inside the bull pen was the most welcoming he had seen in days. Four of his five children stood before him with tears streaming down their dirt, dust, and blood stained faces. He rushed forward and enveloped them in his arms with his relief pulling him to his knees. Glancing up from their beautiful heads he looked around the room.

His eyes connected with Finn first, who gave him a brief jerk of his head which signaled his well being. His eyes drifted slowly to the left and landed on the form of John Munch. John gave him a look of relief and a brief smile. Drifting still further to the left, his eyes came to rest on the form of one Chester Lake. Lake gave him a quick wink and a generous nod. Finally, his eyes came to rest on the desk that she used to occupy. It looked so empty without her behind it regardless of the fact that her things still covered the desk. It was then that he remembered the words the captain had spoken to him in the car just moments before.

"Hey Cap. You said you had something for me." He said

"Uh yea Elliot it is in my office on my desk in my "in" box. Help yourself" he replied.

"Kids you can go on home. I know your mother would be more than relieved to know you four are ok. If you don't hear from me before bed time, be sure to call me. I want to hear from you guys more often."

"Oh Daddy of course. You know we will." Kathleen replied before going on tip toe and kissing her father on the cheek.

Nodding to his friends and colleagues and his children, he turned around and went into the captains' office and closed the door. In the quiet solitude of the office he heaved a big sigh and took off his jacket. He went around the side of the desk and sat down in the chair all the while unbuttoning his shirt sleeves and rolling them up and loosening his tie. He placed his hands on the desktop and pulled himself up to the desk before rifling through the "in" box.

A few loose papers and a stack of UN opened mail later he found it. His name was scrawled simply across the top in black ink. He smiled to himself because he recognized the writing. Well, if you could 

even call that chicken scratch writing. He reached forward and reverently lifted it off of the stack and placed it in front of himself on the Captains cluttered desk. He flipped it over and slipped the hooks out of the hole and lifted the flap. Slowly and with shaky hands he pulled the single sheet of paper out of the envelope. Sucking in a breath he began to meticulously read the letter.

_**Elliot,**_

_**If you are reading this then something has finally happened to me. Knowing you like I do, I know you are blaming yourself. It's not your fault El, please believe me. I would have never had the courage to do and say these things to your face but since I am probably gone now I think it will be ok. Sitting here right now writing this makes me feel like an adolescent, but I know that at least this was I can say things I have wanted to for so long.**_

_**There are so many things that I never told you El, so many things I never got to do. You were right that day in the bull pen, you are the longest relationship I ever had with a man. Over the years I started to rely on you and confide in you. You quite simply became my best friend and that is something I would never trade for anything. You became the light of my day, the other reason I came to work every day and for that I thank you. You gave me something to look forward to, hey, I'd give you a kidney. Gladly tell the coroner that I wish you to have it!. **_

_**I know I know, I shouldn't make jokes at a time like this and if I know you, you are probably sitting there shaking your head thinking, damn Liv. I don't know how to tell you what comes next El and I pray that you will understand and forgive me for this. I never wanted to hurt you and I guess that was why I never said anything. I left for a reason El, both of those times and I know you hated me for it but understand that I had no choice. I had to get away from the temptation and complications that being around you meant. **_

_**I guess what I am trying to say is that somewhere over the years you became my soul. The one person I knew would be there or try his best to be anyways. I tried so hard not to need you and rely on you and I failed. Like you would ever look twice at me right? I am just plain ole Olivia Benson and you already had the suburban dream. You had the perfect house and perfect wife with four perfect little children and a whole other life that I didn't fit in to. But sometimes El, I would look at all you had and wish it was me. I would wish that it was me you went home to and me that you held and me that you told all your little secrets too. **_

_**Even while I wanted these things I knew it was wrong. I was your partner. I was the one who had your back day in and day out. You trusted me with your life and in turn I trusted you with mine. Over time I forgot where you ended and I began. The thing is El even though I knew it was wrong, I thrived on it. I thrived on seeing you every day. Somehow, along the way you made me better when you were around. I wasn't just the bi product of a rape my mother wanted to forget, I was a woman and a damn good cop.**_

__

_**Please don't hate me for leaving you again Elliot. This time I did not want to go. If you didn't know it yet, I love you El, with everything I have and everything I never was. I am sorry I never told you while I was there, I thought I was protecting you. I knew you could never love me back.**_

_**Remember always Elliot that no one knew me better and no one protected me best. You were my favorite memory and my faith when I had none. I can tell you now that I love you. Always. Inside the envelope I enclosed one of my treasures. I hope it brings the same sunshine to you as it always brought to me.**_

_**Tell your kids thank you for me El. Tell them thank you for making me a part of something greater than what I was. I loved each and every one of them. Maureen will make the best doctor and Kathleen will give Casey a run for her money one day. Dickie will surprise us all I think and Lizzie, even though she hated me, I always knew she would be just like her mom and that is never a bad thing. They are all so special El. Thanks for sharing them with me.**_

_**My life was so full in so many ways and that was thanks to you. Thank you for everything. I love you Elliot Stabler.**_

_**Liv**_

Tears poured from his eyes and deep sobs shook his body. Oh Liv, if you only knew he thought to himself. I loved you too. Seconds, minutes, and hours ticked by and all he could do was sit there and stare. He was truly alone and all he could think about was how he never told her the truth either. He read and re read the letter 20 or 30 times before it finally registered that she had written there was something else hidden inside the envelope. He picked up the envelope and stuck his hand inside. Grasping the object he pulled it out. What he held in his hands was a picture. It was a picture of his whole world. He had seen this picture only once before. At her memorial service and somehow she knew that this would be his favorite memory even as it was hers as well.

He was drawn from his thoughts moments later when a loud yell went up in the bull pen right outside of the confines of Cragens' office. Lake burst through the door moments later armed with a beaming smile.

"What the hell do you want Lake?" Elliot snarled.

"We got him Elliot. We got the son of a bitch!" he squealed with perpetual giddiness befitting that of a small child.

"Got who?"

"Elliot man get your ass out here!" Finn bellowed from outside the office.

"Alright alright I am coming!" he grumbled as he got up from the chair.

Reaching the bull pen, he was slapped on the back by Finn who was grinning madly. He watched in awe at the seeming lunacy of his friends until he was distracted by his captain. Don Cragen climbed up on his chair wearing a large smile.

"Ladies and gentlemen may I have your attention please. As of 7:31 pm Detective Olivia Bensons assailant was captured." He looked Elliot dead in the eyes before continuing. "We regret to inform you however, that he was killed while resisting arrest and now lies in the morgue of Mercy West! Therefore my fellow men it is all over. I suggest you all go home and get some much deserved rest. I don't think any of us have rested easy since this whole fiasco began."

Not being able to stand the happy atmosphere, Elliot slipped stealthily out of the bull pen and into the parking garage. His world would never be the same again. The color had gone out of it a few short days ago. Life would never be the same.

With those thoughts, he climbed behind the wheel , started the car, and headed home.


	14. Redmption

**Disclaimer:**** They aren't mine.**

**A/N:**** Sorry it has taken me so long to get this posted. I was supposed to have internet three weeks ago but NOOOOO stupid Verizon is staffed full of complete idiots who can't do their jobs! Have no fear though, I haven't forgotten about you or the story. So what do you think? Should this be the last chapter or should I do one more? As always love it or hate it let me know.**

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I guess the world didn't stop turning he thought to himself as he stepped out onto the front stoop of his apartment building. It had been three long weeks since Oliver Sims had been killed and just over four since the day that had changed his life and irrevocably overturned his world. So much had happened in those few weeks. For one, he had moved out of the family home he had shared with Kathy for so many years and back into his old apartment. For seconds, he had found out just last week that their divorce proceedings had never been completely halted, so that meant that he was now a free man, divorced, single, and without Olivia completely and utterly alone.

His life was on a downward spiral that was so far out of control, that he didn't know which way was up or which way was down. He didn't quite know what life was without her in it or the colors of the world without hers to measure by.

He sat down on the stoop of his building and quickly checked his shoe laces. At least I remembered to tie my shoes, he thought to himself with a half hearted smile. He couldn't tell if it was just him or if the sun was just exceptionally bright today. Well, he had a feeling it was him because the only light he had looked at for the past three weeks or more was that of his now empty refrigerator. That brought him to the reason he was out of doors right now. His stomach was demanding the satisfaction of sustenance.

He couldn't seem to muster the energy to get dressed these days or even shower so instead he just pulled on a pair of track pants and a wife beater and made his way out of his front door, which brought him to him present position. He needed the food plain and simple. In the past three weeks he had even eaten the butter. All that was left was a couple of slices of molded cheese that even rats wouldn't sniff.

The air outside was crisp and cool that day. The leaves in Manhattan were turning colors. The trees that were normally green and vivacious now sported beautiful shades of orange, yellow, brown, and burgundies that went un-noticed by the man who passed aimlessly beneath them without truly seeing their beauty. His mind was otherwise occupied today. No, instead of seeing the colors and taking in the smells of his favorite season, his thoughts were indrawn and focused on memories that he was now forced to live on.

He was so focused on his thoughts and his memories that he wasn't paying attention to where he was going; he just walked and walked and walked and walked and walked unaware of where his feet were carrying him.

Two hours later he found himself wandering his way into a place that had become familiar over the past few weeks. The leaves crackled merrily under his mud caked New Balance tennis shoes as he walked 

slowly through the field of stone to the place that held her marker. To many people, cemeteries were sad and depressing and held a constant reminder of what they had lost. But he just couldn't feel that way. No, to him this place was his sanctuary in a way his church had never been. The cemetery was his last remaining link to the person who was his balance, his saving grace. All too soon, he drew to a halt in front of the head stone that he knew he would never be able to accept.

He walked around the mound until he reached its pinnacle. He sank slowly to his knees and rocked back to sit on his feet. His hand came up of its own accord and wiped the imaginary spot of dirt from the immaculate stone. Accomplishing his objective, he walked back to the foot of the mound and again sank down onto his haunches before rocking back to sit on his feet. It was amazing he thought to himself, the dirt was still fresh. It was only sprinkled with a few fallen leaves from the nearby tree. It was peaceful here, he thought, no wonder she had liked it. He also knew why she had chosen this place to rest. He looked to the left and saw the stone of Serena Benson. The mother she had loved but had never loved her.

Clearing his throat he unfolded the piece of paper he carried and began to speak, he knew that if he didn't soon he would break.

"Hey Liv." He said quietly.

"I don't usually make a habit out of talking to myself partly because I know it makes me look like an ass and partly because I know the guys would have a field day if they saw me. I come here a lot as I am sure you already know. I can't explain why I do it only that I just start walking and I end up here. That's what happened today. I know I shouldn't do this to myself and that you wouldn't want me to dwell on this but I just can't let it go Liv. I can't let you go. I miss you being there every day throwing back insults when I dish them out. I miss the colors you put in the world, the colors you put in my world. I never told you this because I knew it would mean things we both knew could never happen. I love you Olivia more than I ever had I right to. I wish I had the chance to tell you so many things too, things I was never able to tell you before. From the day I walked into the bull pen and found you standing there my life changed. At first you were just a pain in my ass, someone I antagonized because I loved the way you put me in my place. You were my balance and I thrived on it. I knew that no matter what happened you would be there because you got me. You understood me in a way no one else ever could. You were my soul and I never really saw it until the day of the accident. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I loved you but that day hit it home. Hearing that you guys were in an accident made me sick because I knew that without you, the world would lose color and I was right. It's like you said, somewhere along the way you became my soul. I realize now that Kathy was right to be jealous. She saw what I refused to accept all along. You are my balance, my safety, my heart, and my soul and I miss you more every day. I would give anything to tell you this now. I would gladly damn myself to tell you just once that I love you. You know, I guess I never really realized how much a part of my life you were until you were gone. The kids miss you. They call me all of the time and ask me to tell them stories about you. Maureen misses her best friend and so do I. Lizzie regales me with tales of the things you told her and the talks you would have. She surprised me most of all when this happened. She said you thought she hated you, but she told me that she really loved you and that it was her job as a teenager to be antagonistic and pretend 

hatred for everyone. She wants to be an actress. She'll be good at it. Kathleen is doing well in school; she is taking college classes along with her regular courses so she starts into pre-law as soon as she can. She says that she can't help but succeed with you watching out for her. Dickie is quiet these days. It seems that you had all of the Stabler men in your pocket without even knowing it. He is more attentive to his school work now; he says it is what you would want. Kathy and I are divorced. It seems that neither of us ever stopped the proceedings. It took me a long time to realize that I was cheating us both out of a full life. I buried mine with you but now she can have the same chance to find her happiness. Please forgive me Liv. Please forgive me for ruining us both. Please forgive me for never telling you. I would give anything if God would give you back. Anything. . . "

His words were cut off by the sound of approaching footsteps.

"Elliot you can't keep doing this to yourself. Why don't you come back to the station with me? I have something to show you." Captain Cragen said evenly. " I grabbed Fin and Munch on the way back and swung by here on the chance that this is where you would be. It looks like I haven't lost my touch in my old age because I was right. Come son, they are in the car."

"I start back to work tomorrow, can't it wait until then?" he asked quizzically while praying he could put off going to the precinct at least one more day.

"I would rather you do it now Elliot. Truth be told, your new partner is stopping in today and I want you all to meet them before you start to work tomorrow. Queens SVU has been fielding our cases long enough. It is time. Come on, Lake is already there with her and waiting. From what I hear she is a very impatient." He said on a grin.

"I don't want to Cap. I don't want to go to the station and I don't want another partner." He mumbled all the while dragging his feet in the direction the captain was leading him.

Soon enough they reached the car and Cragen climbed behind the wheel. Munch was sitting in the passenger seat wearing a scowl which meant that he was to climb into the backseat with a very displeased looking Fin. Reluctantly he opened the door and climbed inside. Peace inside the car was soon shattered by the haggard looking man in the backseat beside him.

"Damn man! You smell like ass, when was the last time you showered? The Ice Age?" Fin grumbled from his place beside Elliot. "Hey Cap you got some air freshener or something up there? Seems our boy here forgot to shower for the past week or three and I ain't sitting back here with that smell for the next half hour."

"Fin put a sock in it. None of us want to be here and you are just making it worse. I was sitting at home happily watching the X-Files and reading up on the Kennedy conspiracy when he nabbed me from my house." Munch quarreled from the front seat.

"Ladies and gentlemen, some of New York's finest at their best, whining like 2 year olds." Cragen said as he switched on the radio and smiled at the irony of the song. They had no idea, he thought silently to himself, of what lay ahead. He prayed that they would forgive him. He sank into the words of the song 

and thought about all the times in the past few weeks he had, hell all of them had, fielded calls from the smelly man staring dejectedly out of the window.

_**People say she's only in my head**_

_**It's gonna take time but I'll forget**_

_**They say I need to get on with my life**_

_**What they don't realize**_

_**Is when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone**_

_**Driving 'cross town just to see if she's home**_

_**Waking a friend in the dead of night**_

_**Just to hear him say "It's gonna be all right"**_

_**When you find the things to do not to fall asleep**_

'_**Cause you know she'll be there in your dreams**_

_**That's when she's more than a memory**_

The men in the car sat still as statues and let the song wash over them all the while knowing the special meaning it held for the broken man in the back seat.

_**Took a match to everything she ever wrote**_

_**Watched her words go up in smoke**_

_**Tore all her pictures off the wall**_

_**But that ain't helping me at all**_

'_**Cause when you're talking out loud and nobody's there**_

_**You look like hell and you just don't care**_

_**Drinking more than you ever drank **_

_**Sinking down lower than you ever sank**_

__

_**When you find yourself falling down upon your knees**_

_**Praying to God and begging Him please**_

_**That's when she's more than a memory**_

_**When you're dialing her number just to hang up the phone**_

_**Driving 'cross town just to see if she's home**_

_**Waking a friend in the dead of night**_

_**Just to hear him say "It's gonna be all right"**_

_**When you find the things to do not to dall asleep **_

'_**Cause you know she'll be there in your dreams**_

_**That's when she's more than a memory**_

_**People say she's only in my head**_

_**It's gonna take time but I'll forget**_

As luck would have it they made good time back to the precinct and were coming to a halt as the song ended. Smothering a grin the captain turned in his seat to face his detectives.

"Listen guys, before we go in there and you meet her just remember to take it easy on her. I know you will all have some questions but give her some breathing room. She will tell you all you want to know in due time. Now, put on your game faces and get in there. That means you too Elliot. I expect your best." Cragen stated before unlocking the doors and giving them their out.

The three of them reluctantly opened their doors and made their way inside the precinct. They all dreaded what was inside even thought they had no clue what that was. As soon as they entered the building, Elliot felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Fighting his better judgment, he continued forward and made it into the elevator that would carry him to the bullpen that held their primary objective. He hoped it didn't take long, he had some serious grocery shopping to do and if Fin's reaction was anything to go by he needed to take a nice hot shower.

The elevators dinged to a halt and with a resigned sigh the three detectives and their captain exited. They were so focused on the sight that met their eyes that they didn't see the huge grin on Cragen's face. They came to a reluctant halt as soon as they stepped out of the elevators.

"Hey Cap!" Fin said without turning around. "What are all these people and what are they looking at?_**"**_

"Yea." Munch added. "I didn't sign on for a throng of people."

Elliot hung back from the other three leery of what waited in the bull pen. He didn't want another partner, he wanted Olivia back. A strange hush settled over the room as they all became aware f the newcomers to the room. They all began moving cautiously forward with Elliot at their helm leading the way. Upon seeing his advance, the crowd began to part revealing the treasure they held. Unable to believe what his eyes told him, he inched forward reverently until he came to a halt in front of her.

"Elliot." Cragen said. "Meet your new partner."

He fell to his knees and raised his eyes to hers. "Olivia." He said disbelievingly as he wrapped his arms around her waist and laid his head against her stomach.

"Thank you God, Thank you God. Thank you God." He repeated over and over with helpless tears streaming down his face.

Around him the others were staring in disbelief because for the second time in a matter of weeks the great Elliot Stabler had cracked and tears were rolling freely down his face. Speechless at the display in front of her, all Olivia could do was hold him as tears made tracks down her face as well. Touched by the display before him, Cragen herded everyone out of the bull pen in an effort to give his detectives some privacy. They had been through enough in the past weeks; they deserved this much at least.

Oblivious to what was going on around them, they remained in their own world.

"It's ok El, it's ok. I'm here. Everything is ok." She chanted as she ran her hands over and through his short hair. Not getting through to him, she sank to her knees and placed her hands on either side of his face and turned it up to meet hers.

"Look at me El. Come on." She said gently.

He turned his eyes up to hers and said on quiet breath. "I . . .I. . … . I prayed for this, that this would happen and now that it has, I am afraid I'll wake up. This has to be the cruelest dream of all. God forgive me, I just wanted you back. I needed you back."

"El, listen to me, I am back. I am real. You aren't dreaming this. After I was shot, they had to hide me because at the time they didn't know who was after me. After they did figure it out, they had to make a plan to draw out the perp so they wouldn't come after me again. That is why they staged my "funeral". They needed to draw them out without putting me in danger. The FBI had been on the ECO's case since before I went undercover and infiltrated the organization and still couldn't pin down and charge their leader. Oliver Sims. To keep me out of danger they sent me into witness protection and signed me into another hospital in the mid west under an assumed identity. After Sims was killed I was free to come back but I had developed an infection from my surgery so I couldn't be moved. They kept me in witness protection in order to flush out the last remaining operatives and give me time to heal. As soon as I was 

released from the hospital, Lake was waiting to bring me back and here I am." She said in way of explanation.

"So you're really here and it's over?" he asked afraid to hope it could be true.

"Yes."

His hands came up of their own accord to frame her face. "I made a promise. I can't tell you if it was to me or God but I swore if I ever got the chance I would tell you. I love you Olivia more than you ever knew. You said in your letter that you loved me with everything you never were. But what you never realized is that I loved you just as much, flaws and all. You are me, my soul and when I thought you had died I wanted to die to. Everything lost its color. I love you. I love you and my kids love you."

He was cut off as her lips crashed into his. The world spun around and blended into a menagerie of colors. For them the world had righted and for a moment they were safe.


End file.
